Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.
An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.
Men make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
You know it’s love when you want to keep holding hands even after you’re sweaty.
The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.”
No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
Marriage is like jogging through a puddle of industrial strength rubber glue. You can work hard and make it through the struggles; however, you usually leave your bobby socks and sneakers behind along the way.
When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires.
Men only have two faults….What they do, and what they say!
You can’t buy love on eBay.
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?
A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.
Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him.
Men aren’t necessities, they’re luxuries.
By the time you swear you’re his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is infinite, undying -
Lady, make note of this: One of you is lying.
I’m always looking for meaningful one night stands.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. It’s a drug. It distorts reality, and that’s the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.
It is impossible to love and be wise.
Marriage marks the end of many short follies – being one long stupidity.
Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery.
Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one.
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.
When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you.
And she never did.
Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.
It’s been so long since I made love,
I can’t even remember who gets tied up.
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip.
No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn’t take the first pill that comes along.
If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
True love is like seeing ghosts; we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one.
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.
The only people who make love all the time are liars.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby…
Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman.
Love is a grave mental disease.
Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?
All marriages are happy. It’s trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems.
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
A love without indiscretion is no lover at all.
Marriage is a great institution for those who like institutions.
Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty…
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
– Helen Rowland
Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.
– Albert Einstein
To be in love is merely to be in a state of perpetual anesthesia – to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.
– H.L. Mencken
Love is the gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everyone else.
– George Bernard Shaw
The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.
– George Bernard Shaw
The only true love is love at first sight; second sight dispels it.
– Israel Zangwill
To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.
– Bertrand Russell
Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
– Jerome K. Jerome
Love is like any other luxury. You have no right to it unless you can afford it.
– Anthony Trollope
Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it, let’s fall in love.
– Cole Porter
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. (Charlie Brown)
– Charles Schulz
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.”
– Charles Schulz
What the world really needs is more love and less paper work.
– Pearl Bailey
Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
– John Barrymore
Love ceases to be a pleasure, when it ceases to be a secret.
– Aphra Behn
I don’t trust or love anyone. Because people are so creepy. Creepy creepy creeps. Creeping around. Creeping here and creeping there. Creeping everywhere. Crippity crappity creepies.
– Vincent Gallo
True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
– Erich Segal
The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
– Charles Pierce
Love lasteth as long as the money endureth.
– William Caxton
That love at first sight should happen to me, was Life’s most delicious revenge on a self-opinionated fool.
– Charles Boyer
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
– Lily Tomlin
A proof that experience is of no use, is that the end of one love does not prevent us from beginning another.
– Paul Bourget
Never go to bed mad — stay up and fight.
– Phyllis Diller
Once you have loved someone, you’d do anything in the world for them… except love them again.
Love is like war: Easy to begin but hard to end.
Love has the power of making you believe what you would normally treat with the deepest suspicion.
Three things can’t be hidden: coughing, poverty, and love.
– Yiddish proverb
I detest ‘love lyrics.’ I think one of the causes of bad mental health in the United States is that people have been raised on ‘love lyrics.”
– Frank Zappa
I should like to see any kind of a man, distinguishable from a gorilla, that some good and even pretty woman could not shape a husband out of.
– Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
A woman might as well propose: her husband will claim she did.
– Edgar Watson Howe
An old man who marries a young wife grows younger – but she grows older.
– folk saying
It is not uncommon for slight acquaintances to get married, but a couple really have to know each other to get divorced.
What female heart can despise gold?
– Thomas Gray
A lady of 47 who has been married 27 years and has six children knows what love really is and once described it for me like this: ‘Love is what you’ve been through with somebody.’
– James Thurber
I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
– Rita Rudner
Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away.
– Dorothy Parker
Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for.
– Mae West
It does not matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you do not do it in the street and frighten the horses.
– Mrs. Patrick Campbell
A happy home is one in which each spouse grants the possibility that the other may be right, though neither believes it.
– Don Fraser
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
There are three kinds of men who do not understand women: Young, old, and middle-aged.
– Anonymous (and with good reason)
Women like me because I make them laugh. And what is an orgasm, except laughter of the loins?
– Mickey Rooney
There will be sex after death, we just won’t be able to feel it.
– Lily Tomlin
A bride at her second wedding does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting.
– Helen Rowland
Marriage is a fine institution – but I’m not ready for an institution.
– Mae West
My heart’s in the right place. I know, ‘cuz I hid it there.
– Carrie Fisher
My wife and I have sex almost every day of the week,” Milton Berle once said. “Yes, almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday.”
– Milton Berle
If you do kiss a politician, remember this: You are not only kissing him, you are kissing every butt that he has kissed in the last eight years.
– Jay Leno
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you’re getting this down.
– Woody Allen, Love and Death
We cannot really love anybody without whom we never laugh.
– Alice Reppler
The sincerest love is the love of food.
– Bernard Shaw
Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can’t help but smile on it.
– Josh Billings
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener!
The great question… which I have not been able to
answer… is, “What ..does a woman want?”
Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late.”
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
– David Bissonette
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him
(I actually use this principle! HAHAHA! – PurpleRose)
Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
– Ambrose Bierce
Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law
Man is better off than woman; he marries later and dies sooner.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met.
The most happy marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.
One good husband is worth two good wives; for the scarcer things are, the more they are valued.
– Benjamin Franklin
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
– Henry Youngman
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
– Phyllis Diller
Arguments are unsafe with wives, because they examine them; but they do not examine compliments. One can pass upon a wife a compliment that is three-fourths base metal; she will not even bite it to see if it is good; all she notices is the size of it, not the quality.
– Hellfire Hotchkiss
All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.
– Lord Byron
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
– Jimmy Durante
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
– Jim Backus
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.”
– George Burns
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close knit family in another city.”
– George Burns
I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.
– Patrick Murray.
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.”
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday
is to forget it once!
– Woody Allen
Yawn – Nature’s way of letting married men open their mouths.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence!
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
– Milton Berle
A wife is someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.
I think… therefore I’m single.