Small Collection of EMO Poems

Our Love

Loves memory has traced our outline in this place.
But will the spider remember, or the sun?
Did the water capture our faces in permanence?
Does the wind create us anew as it blows?
Did the shadows from the trees record our passage beneath them?
Our secret been revealed.
Yet I have told no other.
I write these words in silence, in mute testimony
To what once was.
But our image remains alive in this place.
It can not be removed.
You, me,
We then,
Were here.
We saw the day and hoped for tomorrow.
We caught a brief glimpse of love’s promise.
We were not liars,
But thieves of time.
For now time has now forgotten us,
Yet our memory lingers, and love remembers
This place that was ours.

Falling Away

I am bored with love
and it’s passionless limbs
that drape over my bed
in a lethargic state of impotence
while wearing the same red heart
my soul picked up hitchhiking
off highway serendipity

Now here we are
alone in togetherness
trying to build dreams
with two by fours and glue,
but even a home
won’t tie us together
when our hearts live alone

Poetic vows cliched
into nothingness
like all words do, eventually
and we allowed
our bodies to become
another pair of hollow shadows
that make love to a wall
instead of each other
and we wonder why
the roses are dying

Your Lies

Funny when things never change
Even when you say they will
But while your off s(rewing her
My life is standing still

You tell me that you love me
When I go to leave
You tell me I’m your only one
And I let myself believe

I know that you are using me
But you’ll never let me go
I know that you don’t love me
I know I’m just for show

I don’t know If I can stand
To see you love another girl
You know that you broke my heart
You know that your my world

But while your standing by my side
I’ll believe your lies forever
Cause everything seems so perfect
When we are together

Autumn Times

Autumn breeze frigidly touches ailing dreadful lives
Harshly darkness quietly surrounds the broken souls
Mellow serenades that once played between hearts
Pathetically have transformed into bitter sad songs

Somewhere beyond the flossy clouds
Cupid has lost his romancing arrows
Plays sad sonorous tunes on his bow
Dedicated to all weepy lonely hearts

Howling chilly wind blows through the mist
Sounds of sorrow spread allover the place
Fuzzy humid air submerges the inner lust
Lives decay slowly as the autumn leaves fall…

Source: http://www.emo-corner.com/emo-poems/emo-poems.html

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): SAD EMO Quotes :(

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.

I cry for the time that you were almost mine,  I cry for the memories I’ve left behind, I cry for the pain, the lost, the old the new, I cry for the times I thought I had you

Not all scars show, not all wounds heal Sometimes you can’t always see The pain someone feels

Whats the sense of wishing for something when I always just wish it away?

Every night i talk to the stars pretending its you.. it acts just like you tho.. far away and never replies to my questions

Why do people tell you to believe in what you want to but then tell you not to believe in the one true thing you do believe in?

Times a precious thing to waste, but friends are more precious

The sad truth is that most evil is done by people who never make up their minds to be good or evil.

The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.

Do not assume that he who seeks to comfort you now, lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life may also have much sadness and difficulty, that remains far beyond yours. Were it otherwise, he would never have been able to find these words.

You wake to suffer through the day.
Trade a dream for the pay.
Well here’s the fact, I hope it sticks.
You’re just alive out of habit.

I swear to you on everything I am.
And I dedicate to you all that I have.
And I promise you that I will stand right by your side.
Forever and always until the day I die.

Hate can be a positive emotion.
When it forces you to better yourself.

I will not be broken.
I am the one.

Just live and breathe.
And try not to die again.

Don’t lose touch with life’s reality.
Compensate for life’s stupidity.

My heart bleeds no more.
Now it’s been turned to stone.

Leave me alone.
Don’t come any closer.
I’m so alone.
And you call me a loser.

There once was a time
When silence meant nothing to me.

These questions in my mind
Are so much bigger than life.

I need not your wicked weapons.
my war is not with someone like you.

staring at the world.
through the hole you.
put through my head.

I might look young.
But I’m no less defeated.

Just talking with my shoes.
Converse with my Converse.

Source: http://lovestoryblog.com/sad-emo-quotes.html

Love and Romance Quotes

You know you are in love when you see the world in her eyes, and her eyes everywhere in the world. ~David Levesque

When you love someone, all your saved-up wishes start coming out. ~Elizabeth Bowen

Love isn’t blind; it just only sees what matters. ~William Curry

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world. ~Bill Wilson

Love is smiling on the inside and out. ~Jennifer Williams

Love one another and you will be happy. It’s as simple and as difficult as that. ~Michael Leunig

To love another person is to see the face of God. ~Victor Hugo

Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition. ~Alexander Smith

Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship – never. ~Charles Caleb Colton

There is no remedy for love but to love more. ~Henry David Thoreau

We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh. ~Agnes Repplier

To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best. ~William M. Thackeray

True love never dies for it is lust that fades away. Love bonds for a lifetime but lust just pushes away. ~Alicia Barnhart

If so many men, so many minds, certainly so many hearts, so many kinds of love. ~Leo Tolstoy

Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here. ~Marianne Williamson

Love, like a river, will cut a new path whenever it meets an obstacle. ~Crystal Middlemas

There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. ~George Sand

The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. ~G. K. Chesterton

Love is a moment that lasts forever… ~Julie Wittey

Love is not love that alters when it alteration finds. ~William Shakespeare

Love is something you can’t describe, like the look of a rose, the smell of the rain, or the feeling of forever. ~Kristen Kappel

Like a child’s infinite dreams, is the endlessness of love. ~Renee Tripp

A mighty pain to love it is, and ’tis a pain that pain to miss; but of all the pains, the greatest pain is to love, but love in vain. ~Abraham Crowley

True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen. ~La Rochefoucauld

Tell me whom you love and I will tell you who you are. ~Houssaye

Love is shown in your deeds, not in your words. ~Fr. Jerome Cummings

Where there is love there is life. ~Gandhi

We look forward to the time when the power to love of will replace the love of power. Then will our world know the blessings of peace. ~William Gladstone

Love that is true never grows old. ~Elben Bano

Love reminds you that nothing else matters. ~Amy Bushell

Love is more than a feeling; it’s a state of mind. ~Lisa Grude

Love is like a blazing flame, golden and full of warmth. ~Ben Oliver

Love is like a piece of art work, even the smallest bit can be so beautiful. ~Stacie Cunningham

Love is sweet, delicate, dreamy: an eternity of gorgeous moments. ~Sarah Montgomery

To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage. ~Lao Tzu

Romance is the fuel that keeps love burning hot. ~Rusty Silvey

If you would be loved, love and be lovable. ~Benjamin Franklin

Love, the key that unlocks the bars of impossibility. ~Fikayo Ositelu

‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. ~Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Love is when you look into someone’s eyes and see their heart. ~Jill Petty

Real love is feeling like being a part of that person’s life almost isn’t enough. It’s more like a feeling that you would live in the same skin with them if you could and share every thought, heart beat, and emotion as one. ~Rod Cannon

Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance, even celebration of another’s personhood. ~Karen Casey

If you judge people, you have no time to love them. ~Mother Theresa

Source: http://hubpages.com/hub/Quotes_About_Love

Kid’s Thoughts About Love and Everything About It!

Kids’ thoughts on love and the proper age to get married:

  • “Eighty-four, because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.” (Judy, 8 )
  • “Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife.” (Tom, 5)

What do people do on a first date? This is an especially funny quote about love:

  • “On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” (Mike, 9)

Kids’ thoughts on love and when it’s okay to kiss someone (good for anniversary toasts!):

  • “You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.” (Jim, 10)
  • “Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.” (Kally, 9)
  • “It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you…that’s why I stopped doing it.” (Jean, 10)

Is it better to be single or married? This is a funny quote about love:

  • “It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them.” (Lynette, 9)
  • “It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” (Kenny, 7)

Kids’ thoughts on love and why it happens between two particular people:

  • “No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.” (Jan, 9)
  • “I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.” (Harlen, 8 )

The question, “What’s falling in love like?” can reveal funny quotes about love:

  • “Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.” (Roger, 9)
  • “If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.” (Leo, 7)

Kids’ thoughts on love and good looks:

  • “If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.” (Jeanne, 8 )
  • “It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me, I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.” (Gary, 7)
  • “Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time.” (Christine, 9)

Kids’ thoughts on love and why lovers hold hands:

  • “They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them.” (Dave, 8 )

What do you really think of love? Some funny quotes about love for wedding speeches:

  • “I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when “The Simpsons” is on television.” (Anita, 6)
  • “Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” (Bobby, 8 )
  • “I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough.” (Regina, 10)

Kids’ thoughts on the personal qualities necessary to be a good lover:

  • “One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.” (Ava, 8 ) What a funny quote about love!

Kids’ thoughts on love and ways to make someone fall in love with you (great for wedding speeches):

  • “Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.” (Del, 6)
  • “Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.” (Alonzo, 9)
  • “One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me.” (Bart, 9)

How can you tell if two adults eating dinner at a restaurant are in love? Funny quotes on love:

  • “Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love.” (John, 9)
  • “Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food.” (Brad, 8 )
  • “It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like how their hearts are on fire.” (Christine, 9)

What are most people thinking when they say, “I love you”?

  • “The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.” (Michelle, 9)

Funny quotes about love and learning to kiss (more great quotes for wedding speeches):

  • “You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.” (Doug, 7)
  • “It might help to watch soap operas all day.” (Carin, 9)

Kids’ thoughts on the stages of love, particularly good for both anniversary toasts and wedding speeches:

  • “Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.” (Tom, 7)
  • “Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.” (Randy, 8 )

Source: http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/kids_thoughts_on_love

Prayer and Intercession Quotes

Some people pray just to pray and some people pray to know God. –Andrew Murray

There is a mighty lot of difference between saying prayers and praying. –John G. Lake

You may pray for an hour and still not pray. You may meet God for a moment and then be in touch with Him all day. –Fredrik Wisloff

I have so much to do that I spend several hours in prayer before I am able to do it.—John Wesley

I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had absolutely no other place to go. — Abraham Lincoln

Always respond to every impulse to pray. The impulse to pray may come when you are reading or when you are battling with a text. I would make an absolute law of this – always obey such an impulse. –Martyn Lloyd-Jones

Wishing will never be a substitute for prayer. –Ed Cole

One can believe intellectually in the efficacy of prayer and never do any praying. –Catherine Marshall

Is prayer your steering wheel or your spare tire?– Corrie Ten Boom

Pray often, for prayer is a shield to the soul, a sacrifice to God, and a scourge for Satan –John Bunyan

Of all the duties enjoined by Christianity none is more essential and yet more neglected than prayer. –François Fénelon

The only way to Heaven is prayer; a prayer of the heart, which every one is capable of, and not of reasonings which are the fruits of study, or exercise of the imagination, which, in filling the mind with wandering objects, rarely settle it; instead of warming the heart with love to God, they leave it cold and languishing. –Jeanne Guyon

We must alter our lives in order to alter our hearts, for it is impossible to live one way and pray another. –William Law

The Third Petition of the Lord’s Prayer is repeated daily by millions who have not the slightest intention of letting anyone’s will be done but their own.–Aldous Huxley

Is the Son of God praying in me, or am I dictating to Him?….Prayer is not simply getting things from God, that is a most initial form of prayer; prayer is getting into perfect communion with God. If the Son of God is formed in us by regeneration, He will press forward in front of our common sense and change our attitude to the things about which we pray. –Oswald Chambers

Those who know God the best are the richest and most powerful in prayer. Little acquaintance with God, and strangeness and coldness to Him, make prayer a rare and feeble thing. –E. M. Bounds

How often have we prayed something like, “O Lord, be with cousin Billy now in a special way”? Have we stopped to consider what it is we’re requesting? Imagine that you are a parent who is preparing to leave your children with a babysitter. Would you dream of saying, “O Betsy, I ask you now that you would be with my children in a special way?” No way. You would say, “Betsy, the kids need to be in bed by 9 pm. They can have one snack before their baths, and please make sure they finish their homework. You can reach us at this number if there’s any problem. Any questions before we go?” We are very specific with our requests and instructions for our babysitters. We want them to know specifics. It should be no different with prayer. –David Jeremiah

There is a general kind of praying which fails for lack of precision. It is as if a regiment of soldiers should all fire off their guns anywhere. Possibly somebody would be killed, but the majority of the enemy would be missed. –Charles Haddon Spurgeon

When a Christian shuns fellowship with other Christians, the devil smiles. When he stops studying the Bible, the devil laughs. When he stops praying, the devil shouts for joy. –Corrie Ten Boom

When I pray, coincidences happen, and when I don’t pray, they don’t. –William Temple

Faith in a prayer-hearing God will make a prayer-loving Christian. –Andrew Murray

Do you know what prayer is? It is not begging God for this and that. The first thing we have to do is to get you beggars to quit begging until a little faith moves in your souls. –John G. Lake

Those who do not believe do not pray. This is a good functional definition of faith. Faith prays, unbelief does not. –John A. Hardon

Pray, and let God worry. — Martin Luther

Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men. Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers, pray for powers equal to your task. –Phillips Brooks

This is our Lord’s will… that our prayer and our trust be, alike, large.– Julian of Norwich

If you can’t pray a door open, don’t pry it open.– Lyell Rader

God’s answers are wiser than our prayers. –Unknown

There are more tears shed over answered prayers than over unanswered prayers. –Teresa of Avila

God does not delay to hear our prayers because He has no mind to give; but that, by enlarging our desires, He may give us the more largely. –Anselm of Canterbury

We waste most of our time trying to get God to do something He has already done—or praying for God to do something He told us to do. –Jacquelyn K. Heasley

If God will do whatever He wishes, regardless of whether we pray or not, then we do not need to pray at all, and the Lord’s instructions on praying for the Kingdom and the Will are superfluous. But the truth is that God waits for a Remnant to rise up and to pray in agreement with His Purpose before He does anything – He will do nothing apart from the Church. Apart from HIM, we CAN do nothing; apart from US, He WILL do nothing –Chip Brogden

We lean to our own understanding, or we bank on service and do away with prayer, and consequently by succeeding in the external we fail in the eternal, because in the eternal we succeed only by prevailing prayer. –Oswald Chambers

The Church is looking for better methods; God is looking for better men. The Holy Ghost does not flow through methods, but through men. He does not come on machinery, but on men. He does not anoint plans, but men…Men of prayer.” –E. M. Bounds

Prayer in its highest form is agonizing soul sweat. –Leonard Ravenhill

Let the fires go out in the boiler room of the church and the place will still look smart and clean, but it will be cold. The Prayer Room is the boiler room for its spiritual life. –Leonard Ravenhill

How different the world would look, how different the state of our nation would be, if there were more sanctified priestly souls! These are souls who have the power to bless, for they intercede with sanctified hearts. They never begin their daily time of intercessory prayer without having first brought to the cross all that is unholy in their lives, so that their old self can be crucified there with Jesus, the sacrificial Lamb. –Basilea Schlink

The Church has not yet touched the fringe of the possibilities of intercessory prayer. Her largest victories will be witnessed when individual Christians everywhere come to recognize their priesthood unto God and day by day give themselves unto prayer. –John R. Mott

I must secure more time for private devotions. I have been living far too public for me. The shortening of devotions starves the soul, it grows lean and faint. I have been keeping too late hours. –William Wilberforce

We hear it said that a man will suffer in his life is he does not pray; I question it. What will suffer is the life of the Son of God within him, which is nourished not by food but by prayer…Prayer is the way the life of God is nourished. –Oswald Chambers

Why is it so important that you are with God and God alone on the mountain top? It’s important because it’s the place in which you can listen to the voice of the One who calls you the beloved. To pray is to listen to the One who calls you “my beloved daughter,” “my beloved son,” “my beloved child.” To pray is to let that voice speak to the center of your being, to your guts, and let that voice resound in your whole being. –Henri Nouwen

So when we sing, ‘Draw me nearer, nearer, blessed Lord,’ we are not thinking of the nearness of place, but of the nearness of relationship. It is for increasing degrees of awareness that we pray, for a more perfect consciousness of the divine Presence. We need never shout across the spaces to an absent God. He is nearer than our own soul, closer than our most secret thoughts. –A.W. Tozer

The lover of silence draws close to God. He talks to Him in secret and God enlightens him. –John Climacus

Tell God all that is in your heart, as one unloads one’s heart, its pleasures and its pains, to a dear friend. Tell God your troubles, that God may comfort you; tell God your joys, that God may sober them; tell God your longings, that God may purify them; tell God your dislikes, that God may help you conquer them; talk to God of your temptations, that God may shield you from them: show God the wounds of your heart, that God may heal them. If you thus pour out all your weaknesses, needs, troubles, there will be no lack of what to say. Talk out of the abundance of the heart, without consideration say just what you think. Blessed are they who attain to such familiar, unreserved intercourse with God. –Francois Fenelon

Our ordinary views of prayer are not found in the New Testament. We look upon prayer as a means for getting something for ourselves; the Bible idea of prayer is that we may get to know God Himself. –Oswald Chambers

If you are sick, fast and pray; if the language is hard to learn, fast and pray; if the people will not hear you, fast and pray, if you have nothing to eat, fast and pray. – Frederick Franson

Men may spurn our appeals, reject our message, oppose our arguments, despise our persons; but they are helpless against our prayers. –J. Sidlow Baxter

Notice, we never pray for folks we gossip about, and we never gossip about the folk for whom we pray! For prayer is a great deterrent. –Leonard Ravenhill

God never gives us discernment in order that we may criticize, but that we may intercede. — Oswald Chambers

There is nothing that makes us love a man so much as praying for him. –William Law

Rich is the person who has a praying friend. –Janice Hughes

A servant of the Lord stands bodily before men, but mentally he is knocking at the gates of heaven with prayer. –John Climacus

It is necessary to rouse the heart to pray, otherwise it will become quite dry. The attributes of prayer must be: love of God, sincerity, and simplicity. –John of Kronstadt

Whether we think of or speak to God; whether we act or suffer for him; all is prayer when we have no other object than his love, and the desire of pleasing him. –John Wesley

Accustom yourself gradually to carry Prayer into all your daily occupation — speak, act, work in peace, as if you were in prayer, as indeed you ought to be. –François Fénelon

The true spirit of prayer is no other than God’s own Spirit dwelling in the hearts of the saints. And as this spirit comes from God, so doth it naturally tend to God in holy breathings and pantings. It naturally leads to God, to converse with him by prayer. –Jonathan Edwards

God does not stand afar off as I struggle to speak. He cares enough to listen with more than casual attention. He translates my scrubby words and hears what is truly inside. He hears my sighs and uncertain gropings as fine prose. –Timothy Jones

Prayer is not a discourse. It is a form of life, the life with God. That is why it is not confined to the moment of verbal statement. –Jacques Ellul

In prayer it is better to have a heart without words than words without a heart. — John Bunyan

When a man has found the Lord, he no longer has to use words when he is praying, for the Spirit Himself will intercede for him with groans that cannot be uttered. –John Climacus

Prayer is not so much an act as it is an attitude—an attitude of dependency, dependency upon God. –Arthur W. Pink

There is not in the world a kind of life more sweet and delightful than that of a continual conversation with God. –Brother Lawrence

Prayer does not fit us for the greater work, prayer is the greater work. –Oswald Chambers

Source: http://www.tentmaker.org

A Collection: Marriage Quotes

  • “A man in love is incomplete until he he is married. Then he’s finished.”
    By: Zsa Zsa Gabor

  • “A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it.”
    By: Zsa Zsa Gabor
  • “I was married once–in San Francisco. I haven’t seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There’s no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren’t all bad.”
    By: W.C. Fields
  • “I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it’s around the woman’s neck.”
    By: W.C Fields
  • “I’ve taken my fun where I’ve found it, An’ now I must pay for my fun, For the more you ‘ave known o’ the others The less will you settle to one.”
    By: Rudyard Kipling
  • “And a woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.”
    By: Rudyard Kipling

  • “With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!”
    By: Rodney Dangerfield
  • “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!”
    By: Rodney Dangerfield

  • “That’s when you know you’re a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.”
    By: Ray Romano(Everything and a kite)

  • “For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to say married, get two.”
    By: Ray Romano(Everything and a kite)

  • “Obviously there was no point in being a bachelor if his houseman was going to filch his booze. If he was going to get robbed, he might just as well get married.”
    By: Groucho Marx (Memoirs of a Mangy Lover)

  • “The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.”
    By: Groucho Marx

  • “Marriage is a wonderful institution…but who wants to live in an institution?”
    By: Groucho Marx

  • “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”
    By: Groucho Marx

  • “It is a woman’s business to get married as soon as possible, and a man’s to keep unmarried as long as he can.”
    By: George Bernard Shaw

  • “I remember after I got that marriage license I went across from the license bureau to a bar for a drink. The bartender said, What will you have, sir? And I said, A glass of hemlock.”
    By: Ernest Hemingway

  • “It would have been a wonderful wedding – had it not been mine.”
    By: Erma Bombeck (A Marriage made in Heaven)

  • “The way to fight your wife is with your hat – Grab it and run”
    By: Anon

  • “Yawn – Nature’s way of letting married men open their mouths”
    By: Anon

  • “Marriage is about the most expensive way for the average man to get laundry done”
    By: Unknown

Source: http://quotes.maxabout.com

Robin Williams’ Famous Quotes

Ah, yes, divorce… from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.

Carpe per diem – seize the check.

Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.

Comedy is acting out optimism.

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

Do you think God gets stoned? I think so… look at the platypus.

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn’t work!

I like my wine like my women – ready to pass out.

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.

If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.

No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.

People say satire is dead. It’s not dead; it’s alive and living in the White House.

Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.

Reality: What a concept!

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Spring is nature’s way of saying, “Let’s party!”

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, ‘Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.’ She’s got a baseball bat and yelling, ‘You want a piece of me?’

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

We have a president for whom English is a second language. He’s like ‘We have to get rid of dictators,’ but he’s pretty much one himself.

We’ve had cloning in the South for years. It’s called cousins.

What’s right is what’s left if you do everything else wrong.

When in doubt, go for the dick joke.

When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, ‘Can I use a lifeline?’

When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

You’ll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.

Source: http://www.brainyquote.com