Funny Quotes from Stand-up Comedians

Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
Bob Ettinger

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
Ellen DeGeneres

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.
Jake Johansen

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’
Paula Poundstone

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
Warren Hutcherson

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.
Sue Murphy

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.’
Jerry Seinfeld

I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $450,000 a week.
Joel Lindley

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
Tim Allen

I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn’t want to go, because I’ve put on like a hundred pounds.
Wendy Liebman

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
George Carlin

My favorite animal is steak.
Fran Lebowitz

Two guys walk into a bar. You’d think one of them would have seen it.
Daniel Lybra

In a nutshell, just be good and kind to your children, because not only are they the future of the world, but they are the ones who can eventually sign you into the home.
Dennis Miller

A word to the wise ain’t necessary. It’s the stupid ones who need the advice.
Bill Cosby

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
Elayne Boosler

I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.
Tracy Smith

I’ll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
Henny Youngman

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
Jay Leno

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
Janeane Garofalo

I took my parents back to the airport today. They leave tomorrow.
Margaret Smith

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved.
Johnny Carson

I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse.
Dennis Miller

Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me.
Bobcat Goldthwait

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.
Tim Allen

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looks like.
Phyllis Diller

The 1960s were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we had the shows then like The Flying Nun.
Ellen DeGeneres

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
Roseanne

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.
Ray Romano

We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers. They would call it On Anon Anon.
Paula Poundstone

I find television very educational. Every time someone turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx

There’s only one difference between Catholics and Jews. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.
Elayne Boosler

I come from family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Erma Bombeck

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner.
Lynda Montgomery

Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.
George Carlin

Every day people are straying away from the church, and going back to God.
Lenny Bruce

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, Let there be light! And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
Ellen DeGeneres

A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman knows.
Monica Piper

I date this girl for two years and then the nagging starts: I wanna know your name…
Mike Binder

Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn’t own a car.
Carrie Snow

I’m not a good lover, but at least I’m fast.
Drew Carey

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
Dave Barry

Before I met my husband I’d never fallen in love, though I’ve stepped in it a few times.
Rita Rudner

Why is it when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?
Lily Tomlin

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.
Fran Lebowitz

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don’t eat pork. I’m sorry, what was that last one? Don’t eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
Jon Stewart

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut… I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don’t even act like I didn’t buy a doughnut, I’ve got the documentation right here… It’s in my file at home. …Under D.
Mitch Hedberg

Hate your job? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody and they meet at a bar.
Drew Carey

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
Spike Milligan

I’ve had a wonderful evening – but this wasn’t it.
Groucho Marx

Source: http://www.innocentenglish.com

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