Ah, yes, divorce… from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
Carpe per diem – seize the check.
Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.
Comedy is acting out optimism.
Cricket is basically baseball on valium.
Do you think God gets stoned? I think so… look at the platypus.
Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn’t work!
I like my wine like my women – ready to pass out.
I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.
No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.
People say satire is dead. It’s not dead; it’s alive and living in the White House.
Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.
Reality: What a concept!
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Spring is nature’s way of saying, “Let’s party!”
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.
The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, ‘Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.’ She’s got a baseball bat and yelling, ‘You want a piece of me?’
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
We have a president for whom English is a second language. He’s like ‘We have to get rid of dictators,’ but he’s pretty much one himself.
We’ve had cloning in the South for years. It’s called cousins.
What’s right is what’s left if you do everything else wrong.
When in doubt, go for the dick joke.
When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, ‘Can I use a lifeline?’
When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
You’ll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.