- There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t
- If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0
- I’m not anti-social; I’m just not user friendly
- My software never has bugs. It just develops random features
- Roses are #FF0000 , Violets are #0000FF , All my base belongs to you
- In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
- Hand over the calculator, friends don’t let friends derive drunk
- I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code
- Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…
- The box said ‘Requires Windows 95 or better’. So I installed LINUX
- A penny saved is 1.39 cents earned, if you consider income tax
- Unix, DOS and Windows…the good, the bad and the ugly
- A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila
- The code that is the hardest to debug is the code that you know cannot possibly be wrong
- UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity
- Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
- You know it’s love when you memorize her IP number to skip DNS overhead
- JUST SHUT UP AND REBOOT!!
- 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
- Alcohol & calculus don’t mix. Never drink & derive
- How do I set a laser printer to stun?
- There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer
- Concept: On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape button
- It’s not bogus, it’s an IBM standard
- Be nice to the nerds, for all you know they might be the next Bill Gates!
- The farther south you go, the more dollar stores there are
- Beware of programmers that carry screwdrivers
- The difference between e-mail and regular mail is that computers handle e-mail, and computers never decide to come to work one day and shoot all the other computers
- If you want a language that tries to lock up all the sharp objects and fire-making implements, use Pascal or Ada: the Nerf languages, harmless fun for children of all ages, and they won’t mar the furniture
- COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key
- Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning
- LISP = Lots of Irritating Silly Parentheses
- The beginning of the programmer’s wisdom is understanding the difference between getting program to run and having a runnable program
- Squash one bug, you’ll see ten new bugs popping
- Everytime i time i touch my code, i give birth to ten new bugs
- boast = blogging is open & amiable sharing of thoughts
- We are sorry, but the number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again
- Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted
- If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBO
- Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner
- Bad or corrupt header, go get a haircut
- Unrecognized input, get out of the class
- Warning! Buffer overflow, close the tumbler !
- WinErr 547: LPT1 not found… Use backup… PENCIL & PAPER
- Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
- Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes
- Best file compression around: “rm *.*” = 100% compression
- Hackers in hollywood movies are phenomenal. All they need to do is “c:\> hack into fbi”
- BREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding
- I survived an NT installation
- The name is Baud……James Baud
- My new car runs at 56Kbps
- Why doesn’t DOS ever say “EXCELLENT command or filename!”
- File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
- Cannot read data, leech the next boy’s paper? (Y/N)
- CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
- Does fuzzy logic tickle?
- Helpdesk : Sir, you need to add 10GB space to your HD , Customer : Could you please tell where I can download that?
- Windows: Just another pane in the glass
- Who’s General Failure & why’s he reading my disk?
- RAM disk is not an installation procedure
- Shell to DOS…Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS…
- The truth is out there…anybody got the URL?
- Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…..
- E-mail returned to sender — insufficient voltage
- Help! I’m modeming… and I can’t hang up!!!
- All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
- Once I got this error on my Linux box: Error. Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue
- Once I got this error on my Linux box: Error. Mouse not attached. Please left click the ‘OK’ button to continue
- Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…
- Press every key to continue
- Helpdesk: Sir if you see the blue screen, press any key to continue. Customer : hm.. just a min.. where’s that ‘any key’..
- Idiot, Go ahead, make my data!
- Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources
- To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so
- (001) Logical Error CLINTON.SYS: Truth table missing
- Clinton:/> READ | PARSE | WRITE | DUMP >> MONKIA.SYS
- (D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
- Computers can never replace human stupidity
- A typical Yahoo! inbox : Inbox(0), Junk(9855210)
- (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic?
- Bugs come in through open Windows
- Penguins love cold, they wont survive the sun
- Unix is user friendly…its just selective about who its friends are
- Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity
- Bell Labs Unix — Reach out and grep someone.
- To err is human…to really foul up requires the root password.
- Invalid password : Please enter the correct password to (Abort / Retry / Ignore )
- FUBAR – where Geeks go for a drink
- I degaussed my girlfriend and I’m just not attracted to her anymore
- Scandisk : Found 2 bad sectors. Please enter a new HD to continue scanning
- Black holes are where God divided by zero
- Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
- Thank god, my baby just compiled
- Yes! My code compiled, and my wife just produced the output
- Windows 98 supports real multitasking – it can boot and crash simultaneously
- Zap! And there was the blue screen !
- Please send all spam to my main address, root@localhost 🙂
- MailerD(a)emon: You just received 9133547 spam. (O)pen all, (R)ead one by one, (C)heck for more spam
- A: Can you teach me how to use a computer? B: No. I just fix the machines, I don’t use them
- PayPal: Your funds have been frozen for 668974 days
- 1-800-404 : The subscriber you are trying to call does not exist
- 1-800-403 : Access to that subscriber was denied
- Error message: “Out of paper on drive D:”
- If I wanted a warm fuzzy feeling, I’d antialias my graphics!
- A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
- “Mr. Worf, scan that ship.” “Aye Captain. 300 dpi?”
- Smith & Wesson: The Original Point And Click Interface
- Shout onto a newsgroup : It echoes back flames and spam
- Firewall : Intruder detected. (A)llow in (D)eactivate the firewall
- Real programmers can write assembly code in any language
- Warning! Perl script detected! (K)ill it , (D)eactivate it
- Firewall : Do you want to place a motion detector on port 80 ?
- Helpdesk: Sir, please refill your ink catridges Customer : Where can i download that?
- All computers run at the same speed… with the power off
- You have successfully logged in, Now press any key to log out
- Sorry, the password you tried is already being used by Dorthy, please try something else.
- Sorry, that username already exists. (O)verwrite it (C)ancel
- Please send all flames, trolls, and complaints to /dev/toilet
- Shut up, or i’ll flush you out
- Cron : Enter cron command \ Now enter the number of minutes in an hour
- We are experiencing system trouble — do not adjust your terminal
- You have successfully hacked in, Welcome to the FBI mainframes.
- I’m sorry, our software is perfect. The problem must be you
- Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway
- Webhost livehelp: Sir you ran out of bandwidth, User: Where can I download that?
- If Ruby is not and Perl is the answer, you don’t understand the question
- Having soundcards is nice… having embedded sound in web pages is not
- My computer was full, so I deleted everything on the right half
- You have received a new mail which is 195537 hours old
- Yahoo! Mail: Your email was sent successfully. The email will delivered in 4 days and 8 hours
- I’m sorry for the double slash (Tim Berners-Lee in a Panel Discussion, WWW7, Brisbane, 1998)
- Ah, young webmaster… java leads to shockwave. Shockwave leads to realaudio. And realaudio leads to suffering
- What color do you want that database?
- C++ is a write-only language, once can write programs in C++, but I can’t read any of them
- As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code
- earth is 98% full … please delete anyone you can
- A typical yahoo chat room: “A has signed in, A has signed out, B has signed in, B has signed out, C has signed in, C has signed out..”
- When someone says “I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done,” give him a lollipop
- Warning! No processor found! Press any key to continue
- Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product
- NT is the only OS that has caused me to beat a piece of hardware to death with my bare hands
- Warning! Kernel crashed, Run for your lives !
- NASA uses Windows? Oh great. If Apollo 13 went off course today the manual would just tell them to open the airlock, flush the astronauts out, and re-install new one
- How’s my programming? Call 1-800-DEV-NULL
- Yes, friends and neighbors, boys and girls – my PC speaker crashed NT
- root:> Sorry, you entered the wrong password, the correct password is ‘a_49qwXk’
- New linux package released. Please install on /dev/null
- Quake and uptime do not like each other
- Unix…best if used before: Tue Jan 19 03:14:08 GMT 2038
- As you well know, magic and weapons are prohibited inside the cafeteria — Final Fantasy VIII
- Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft…and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labo
- Unix is the only virus with a command line interface
- Windows 95 makes Unix look like an operating system
- How are we supposed to hack your system if it’s always down!
- God is real, unless declared integer
- I’m tempted to buy the slashdot staff a grammar checker. What do they do for 40 hours a week?
- Paypal : Please enter your credit card number to continue
- It takes a million monkeys at typewriters to write Shakespeare, but only a dozen monkeys at computers to run Network Solutions
- Please help – firewall burnt down – lost packet – reward $$$
- If Linux were a beer, it would be shipped in open barrels so that anybody could piss in it before delivery
- Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle
- Perl, the only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption
- Norton: Incoming virus – (D)ownload and save (R)un after download
- I had a dream… and there were 1’s and 0’s everywhere, and I think I saw a 2!
- You sir, are an unknown USB device driver
- C isn’t that hard: void (*(*f)())() defines f as an array of unspecified size, of pointers to functions that return pointers to functions that return void
Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie. ~Jim Davis
Nothing would be more tiresome than eating and drinking if God had not made them a pleasure as well as a necessity. ~Voltaire
There is a lot more juice in grapefruit than meets the eye. ~Author Unknown
We think fast food is equivalent to pornography, nutritionally speaking. ~Steve Elbert
High-tech tomatoes. Mysterious milk. Supersquash. Are we supposed to eat this stuff? Or is it going to eat us? ~Annita Manning
Sex is good, but not as good as fresh, sweet corn. ~Garrison Keillor
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? ~Author Unknown
Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it. ~Author Unknown
I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o’clock in the morning. ~John Barrymore
Shipping is a terrible thing to do to vegetables. They probably get jet-lagged, just like people. ~Elizabeth Berry
No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating one peanut. ~Channing Pollock
Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that’s bad for you! ~Tommy Smothers
Chemicals, n: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. ~Author Unknown
It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two things still safe to eat. ~Robert Fuoss
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. ~Buddy Hackett
Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray. ~Author Unknown
Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm. ~Ambrose Bierce
One of the very nicest things about life is the way we must regularly stop whatever it is we are doing and devote our attention to eating. ~Luciano Pavarotti and William Wright, Pavarotti, My Own Story
After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual “food” out of eating an artichoke as you would from licking 30 or 40 postage stamps. ~Miss Piggy
The bagel, an unsweetened doughnut with rigor mortis. ~Beatrice & Ira Freeman
You can say this for ready-mixes – the next generation isn’t going to have any trouble making pies exactly like mother used to make. ~Earl Wilson
The belly rules the mind. ~Spanish Proverb
My favorite animal is steak. ~Fran Lebowitz
When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste. ~Laiko Bahrs
We are all dietetic sinners; only a small percent of what we eat nourishes us; the balance goes to waste and loss of energy. ~William Osler
If only it was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate. ~Diogenes the Cynic
The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese. ~G.K. Chesterton
All happiness depends on a leisurely breakfast. ~John Gunther
Never work before breakfast; if you have to work before breakfast, eat your breakfast first. ~Josh Billings
Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat. ~Fran Lebowitz
A bagel is a doughnut with the sin removed. ~George Rosenbaum
Great eaters and great sleepers are incapable of anything else that is great. ~Henry IV of France
Anybody who believes that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach flunked geography. ~Robert Byrne
It’s difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato. ~Lewis Grizzard
In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait. ~José Simons
I don’t think America will have really made it until we have our own salad dressing. Until then we’re stuck behind the French, Italians, Russians and Caesarians. ~Pat McNelis
Chili represents your three stages of matter: solid, liquid, and eventually gas. ~Roseanne, “Don’t Make Me Over,” May 1992, spoken by character Dan Conner
If organic farming is the natural way, shouldn’t organic produce just be called “produce” and make the pesticide-laden stuff take the burden of an adjective? ~Ymber Delecto
A nickel will get you on the subway, but garlic will get you a seat. ~Old New York Proverb
Large, naked raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who lie in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter. ~Fran Lebowitz
It’s bizarre that the produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician. ~Meryl Streep
Eat little, sleep sound. ~Iranian Proverb
The greatest delight the fields and woods minister is the suggestion of an occult relation between man and the vegetable. I am not alone and unacknowledged. They nod to me and I to them. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
The way you cut your meat reflects the way you live. ~Confucius
Worries go down better with soup. ~Jewish Prover
Food is an important part of a balanced diet. ~Fran Lebowit
I eat merely to put food out of my mind. ~N.F. Simpson
I take a vitamin every day. It’s called a steak. ~Leo Benvenuti and Steve Rudnick, Kicking & Screaming, 2005, spoken by the character Buck Weston
Dyspepsia is the remorse of a guilty stomach. ~A. Kerr
This is every cook’s opinion –
no savory dish without an onion,
but lest your kissing should be spoiled
your onions must be fully boiled.
Sleep ’til you’re hungry, eat ’til you’re sleepy. ~Author Unknown
Chowder breathes reassurance. It steams consolation. ~Clementine Paddleford
A nickel’s worth of goulash beats a five dollar can of vitamines. ~Martin H. Fischer
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons. ~Alfred E. Newman
If God had intended us to follow recipes,
He wouldn’t have given us grandmothers.
An empty belly is the best cook. ~Estonian Proverb
It is, in my view, the duty of an apple to be crisp and crunchable, but a pear should have such a texture as leads to silent consumption. ~Edward Bunyard
If we’re not willing to settle for junk living, we certainly shouldn’t settle for junk food. ~Sally Edwards
If junk food is the devil, then a sweet orange is as scripture. ~Audrey Foris
Rice is born in water and must die in wine. ~Italian Proverb
There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won’t, and that’s a wife who can’t cook and will. ~Robert Frost
Nobody seems more obsessed by diet than our anti-materialistic, otherworldly, New Age spiritual types. But if the material world is merely illusion, an honest guru should be as content with Budweiser and bratwurst as with raw carrot juice, tofu and seaweed slime. ~Edward Abbey
The breakfast slimes, angel food cake, doughnuts and coffee, white bread and gravy cannot build an enduring nation. ~Martin H. Fischer
What is patriotism but the love of the food one ate as a child? ~Lin Yutang
Everything I eat has been proved by some doctor or other to be a deadly poison, and everything I don’t eat has been proved to be indispensable for life. But I go marching on. ~George Bernard Shaw
A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch. ~James Beard
We plan, we toil, we suffer – in the hope of what? A camel-load of idol’s eyes? The title deeds of Radio City? The empire of Asia? A trip to the moon? No, no, no, no. Simply to wake just in time to smell coffee and bacon and eggs. ~J.B. Priestly
You can find your way across this country using burger joints the way a navigator uses stars. ~Charles Kuralt
I refuse to believe that trading recipes is silly. Tuna fish casserole is at least as real as corporate stock. ~Barbara Grizzuti Harrison
Hunger is the best sauce in the world. ~Cervantes
There is no love sincerer than the love of food. ~George Bernard Shaw, “The Revolutionist’s Handbook,” Man and Superman
He who distinguishes the true savor of his food can never be a glutton; he who does not cannot be otherwise. ~Henry David Thoreau
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead – not sick, not wounded – dead. ~Woody Allen
We load up on oat bran in the morning so we’ll live forever. Then we spend the rest of the day living like there’s no tomorrow. ~Lee Iacocca
Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, to make a dish the dog wouldn’t eat. ~Author Unknown
And I find chopsticks frankly distressing. Am I alone in thinking it odd that a people ingenious enough to invent paper, gunpowder, kites and any number of other useful objects, and who have a noble history extending back 3,000 years haven’t yet worked out that a pair of knitting needles is no way to capture food? ~Bill Bryson
Kissing don’t last; cookery do! ~George Meredith
Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. ~Mark Twain
Did you ever stop to taste a carrot? Not just eat it, but taste it? You can’t taste the beauty and energy of the earth in a Twinkie. ~Astrid Alauda
Cutting stalks at noontime. Perspiration drips to the earth. Know you that your bowl of rice each grain from hardship comes? ~Chang Chan-Pao
Condensed milk is wonderful. I don’t see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans. ~Fred Allen
Great food is like great sex. The more you have the more you want. ~Gael Greene
No, I don’t take soup. You can’t build a meal on a lake. ~Elsie de Wolfe (Lady Mendl)
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. ~Calvin Trillin
Anyhow, the hole in the doughnut is at least digestible. ~H.L. Mencken
You are what you eat. For example, if you eat garlic you’re apt to be a hermit. ~Franklin P. Jones
The inventor of soda crackers has a place in hell. ~Martin H. Fischer
Plant a radish, get a radish, never any doubt. That’s why I love vegetables, you know what they’re about! ~Tom Jones and Harvey Schmidt
We should look for someone to eat and drink with before looking for something to eat and drink… ~Epicurus
He who eats alone chokes alone. ~Proverb
After dinner sit a while, and after supper walk a mile. ~English Saying
Vegetables are the food of the earth; fruit seems more the food of the heavens. ~Sepal Felicivant
Always eat grapes downward – that is eat the best grapes first; in this way there will be none better left on the bunch, and each grape will seem good down to the last. If you eat the other way, you will not have a good grape in the lot. ~Samuel Butler
The story of barbecue is the story of America: Settlers arrive on great unspoiled continent, discover wondrous riches, set them on fire and eat them. ~Vince Staten
Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook. ~Ambrose Bierce
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? ~Author Unknown
He was a very valiant man who first adventured on eating oysters. ~James I
Strawberries are the angels of the earth, innocent and sweet with green leafy wings reaching heavenward. ~Jasmine Heiler
Tell me what you eat, I’ll tell you who you are. ~Anthelme Brillat-Savarin
The more you eat, the less flavor; the less you eat, the more flavor. ~Chinese Proverb
Proust had his madeleines; I am devastated by the scent of yeast bread rising. ~Bert Greene
Sugar is a type of bodily fuel, yes, but your body runs about as well on it as a car would. ~V.L. Allineare
As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists. ~Joan Gussow
An onion can make people cry, but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh. ~Will Rogers
Hunger: One of the few cravings that cannot be appeased with another solution. ~Irwin Van Grove
Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. ~Mark Twain
The woman just ahead of you at the supermarket checkout has all the delectable groceries you didn’t even know they carried. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966
You can tell how long a couple has been married by whether they are on their first, second or third bottle of Tobasco. ~Bruce Bye
There is nothing better on a cold wintry day than a properly made pot pie. ~Craig Claiborne
You know how I feel about tacos. It’s the only food shaped like a smile. A beef smile. ~Danielle Sanchez-Witzel and Michael Pennie, My Name is Earl, “South of the Border Part Uno/Dos,” original airdate 7 December 2006, spoken by the character Earl Hickey
If soup isn’t hot enough to make a grown man wince, it’s undrinkable. ~Grey Livingston
The whole of nature, as has been said, is a conjugation of the verb to eat, in the active and in the passive. ~William Ralph Inge
And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats. ~George Carlin
A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do. ~P.J. O’Rourke
Avoid fruit and nuts. You are what you eat. ~Jim Davis
In general, mankind, since the improvement in cookery, eats twice as much as nature requires. ~Benjamin Franklin
Food is so primal, so essential a part of our lives, often the mere sharing of recipes with strangers turns them into good friends. That’s why I love this community. ~Jasmine Heiler, about recipezaar.com
I’m not sure what makes pepperoni so good – if it’s the pepper or the oni. ~Ulrik Stephens
Happiness is a bowl of cherries and a book of poetry under a shade tree. ~Astrid Alauda
All sorrows are less with bread. ~Miguel de Cervantes, Don Quixote
The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you’re hungry again. ~George Miller
This special feeling towards fruit, its glory and abundance, is I would say universal…. We respond to strawberry fields or cherry orchards with a delight that a cabbage patch or even an elegant vegetable garden cannot provoke. ~Jane Grigson
No man is lonely eating spaghetti; it requires so much attention. ~Christopher Morley
Oil and potatoes both grow underground so french fries may have eventually produced themselves, had they not been invented. ~A.J. Esther
When I’m at a Chinese restaurant having a hard time with chopsticks, I always hope that there’s a Chinese kid at an American restaurant somewhere who’s struggling mightily with a fork. ~Rick Budinich
A converted cannibal is one who, on Friday, eats only fishermen. ~Emily Lotney
Fish, to taste right, must swim three times – in water, in butter, and in wine. ~Polish Proverb
He that eats till he is sick must fast till he is well. ~English Proverb
The spirit cannot endure the body when overfed, but, if underfed, the body cannot endure the spirit. ~St Frances de Sales
[Breadbaking is] one of those almost hypnotic businesses, like a dance from some ancient ceremony. It leaves you filled with one of the world’s sweetest smells… there is no chiropractic treatment, no Yoga exercise, no hour of meditation in a music-throbbing chapel, that will leave you emptier of bad thoughts than this homely ceremony of making bread. ~M.F.K. Fisher, The Art of Eating
I’ll bet what motivated the British to colonize so much of the world is that they were just looking for a decent meal. ~Martha Harrison
Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all. ~Harriet van Horne
A man may be a pessimistic determinist before lunch and an optimistic believer in the will’s freedom after it. ~Aldous Huxley
Cheese – milk’s leap toward immortality. ~Clifton Fadiman
Life goes faster on protein. ~Martin H. Fischer
But when the time comes that a man has had his dinner, then the true man comes to the surface. ~Mark Twain
There is no sight on earth more appealing than the sight of a woman making dinner for someone she loves. ~Thomas Wolfe
Soup and fish explain half the emotions of human life. ~Sydney Smith
Don’t forget that the flavors of wine and cheese depend upon the types of infecting microörganisms. ~Martin H. Fischer
There is no such thing as a little garlic. ~A. Baer
Soup is liquid comfort. ~Author Unknown
To the old saying that man built the house but woman made of it a “home” might be added the modern supplement that woman accepted cooking as a chore but man has made of it a recreation. ~Emily Post
There are only ten minutes in the life of a pear when it is perfect to eat. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
What is stronger than a mother’s love? The smell of spring onions on your girl’s breath. ~Four Hundred Laughs: Or, Fun Without Vulgarity, compiled and edited by John R. Kemble, 1902
Bread deals with living things, with giving life, with growth, with the seed, the grain that nurtures. It is not coincidence that we say bread is the staff of life. ~Lionel Poilane
Most of the food allergies die under garlic and onion. ~Martin H. Fischer
Great restaurants are, of course, nothing but mouth-brothels. There is no point in going to them if one intends to keep one’s belt buckled. ~Frederic Raphael
It’s so beautifully arranged on the plate – you know someone’s fingers have been all over it. ~Julia Child
As the days grow short, some faces grow long. But not mine. Every autumn, when the wind turns cold and darkness comes early, I am suddenly happy. It’s time to start making soup again. ~Leslie Newman
Bread and butter, devoid of charm in the drawing-room, is ambrosia eating under a tree. ~Elizabeth Russell
My soul is dark with stormy riot,
Directly traceable to diet.
I’m trying to eat better. And, I do feel wise after drinking tea. After eating vegetables, I just feel hungry. ~Carrie Latet
A three-year-old gave this reaction to her Christmas dinner: “I don’t like the turkey, but I like the bread he ate.” ~Author Unknown
Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon. ~Doug Larson
“Jesus whom I know as my Redeemer cannot be less than God.”
– Athanasius, St.
“Thinking as I do that the Creator of this world is a very cruel being, and being a worshipper of Christ, I cannot help saying: the Son, O how unlike the Father! First God Almighty comes with a thump on the head. Then Jesus Christ comes with a balm to heal it.”
– Blake, William
“Alexander, Caesar, Charlemagne, and myself founded empires; but what foundation did we rest the creations of our genius? Upon force. Jesus Christ founded an empire upon love; and at this hour millions of men would die for Him.”
– Bonaparte, Napoleon
“Jesus Christ, the condescension of divinity, and the exaltation of humanity.”
– Brooks, Phillips
“A lot of people say to me, Why did you kill Christ? I dunno… it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know. We killed him because he didn’t want to become a doctor, that’s why we killed him.”
– Bruce, Lenny
“In every pang that rends the heart the Man of Sorrows has a part.”
– Bruce, Michael
“I love to hear my Lord spoken of, and wherever I have seen the print of His shoe in the earth, there have I coveted to put mine also.”
– Bunyan, John
“Each eye can have its vision separately; but when we are looking at anything our vision, which in itself is divided, joins up and unites in order to give itself as a whole to the object that is put before it.”
– Calvin, John
“None speak of the bravery, the might, or the intellect of Jesus; but the devil is always imagined as a being of acute intellect, political cunning, and the fiercest courage. These universal and instinctive tendencies of the human mind reveal much.”
– Child, Lydia M.
“The Lord has turned all our sunsets into sunrise.”
– Clement of Alexandria
“The blood of Jesus Christ can cover a multitude of sins, it seems to me.”
– Diderot, Denis
“The most pressing question on the problem of faith is whether a man as a civilized being can believe in the divinity of the Son of God, Jesus Christ, for therein rests the whole of our faith.”
– Dostoevsky, Fyodor
“To become Christ-like is the only thing in the whole world worth caring for, the thing before which every ambition of man is folly and all lower achievement vain.”
– Drummond, Henry
“By a Carpenter mankind was made, and only by that Carpenter can mankind be remade.”
– Erasmus, Desiderius
“Above all the grace and the gifts that Christ gives to his beloved is that of overcoming self.”
– Francis of Assisi, St.
“A man who was completely innocent, offered himself as a sacrifice for the good of others, including his enemies, and became the ransom of the world. It was a perfect act.”
– Gandhi, Mahatma
“Jesus was the first socialist, the first to seek a better life for mankind.”
– Gorbachev, Mikhail
“The men who followed Him were unique in their generation. They turned the world upside down because their hearts had been turned right side up. The world has never been the same.”
– Graham, Billy
“No man ever loved like Jesus. He taught the blind to see and the dumb to speak. He died on the cross to save us. He bore our sins. And now God says, Because He did, I can forgive you.”
– Graham, Billy
“Jesus Christ is God’s everything for man’s total need.”
– Halverson, Richard
“Jesus Christ turns life right-side-up, and heaven outside-in.”
– Henry, Carl F. H.
“I wouldn’t put it past God to arrange a virgin birth if He wanted, but I very much doubt if He would.”
– Jenkins, David
“He comes into the world God knows how, walks on the water, gets out of his grave and goes up off the Hill of Howth. What drivel is this?”
– Joyce, James
“No one else holds or has held the place in the heart of the world which Jesus holds. Other gods have been as devoutly worshipped; no other man has been so devoutly loved.”
– Knox, John
“All that I am I owe to Jesus Christ, revealed to me in His divine Book.”
– Livingstone, David
“You should point to the whole man Jesus and say, That is God.”
– Luther, Martin
“Jesus says, I love you just the way you are. And I love you too much to let you stay the way you are.”
– Lyons, Chris
“We believe that the history of the world is but the history of His influence and that the center of the whole universe is the cross of Calvary.”
– Maclaren, Alexander
“The greatest thing about any civilization is the human person, and the greatest thing about this person is the possibility of his encounter with the person of Jesus Christ.”
– Malik, Charles
“Jesus promised His disciples three things: that they would be entirely fearless, absurdly happy, and that they would get into trouble.”
– Maltby, W. Russell
“I believe in person to person. Every person is Christ for me, and since there is only one Jesus, that person is the one person in the world at that moment.”
– Mother Teresa
“There is but one love of Jesus, as there is but one person in the poor — Jesus. We take vows of chastity to love Christ with undivided love; to be able to love him with undivided love we take a vow of poverty which frees us from all material possessions, and with that freedom we can love him with undivided love, and from this vow of undivided love we surrender ourselves totally to him in the person who takes his place.”
– Mother Teresa
“The word Christianity is already a misunderstanding — in reality there has been only one Christian, and he died on the Cross.”
– Nietzsche, Friedrich
“Jesus was a brilliant Jewish stand-up comedian, a phenomenal improviser. His parables are great one-liners.”
– Paglia, Camille
“Only Christ could have conceived Christ.”
– Parker, Joseph
“Jesus is the God whom we can approach without pride and before whom we can humble ourselves without despair.”
– Pascal, Blaise
“God speaks to me not through the thunder and the earthquake, nor through the ocean and the stars, but through the Son of Man, and speaks in a language adapted to my imperfect sight and hearing.”
– Phelps, William Lyon
“A heroic figure… not wholly to blame for the religion that’s been foisted on him.”
– Pound, Ezra
“Let us pardon him his hope of a vain apocalypse, and of a second coming in great triumph upon the clouds of heaven. Perhaps these were the errors of others rather than his own; and if it be true that he himself shared the general illusion, what matters it, since his dream rendered him strong against death, and sustained him in a struggle to which he might otherwise have been unequal?”
– Renan, Ernest
“Never has any one been less a priest than Jesus, never a greater enemy of forms, which stifle religion under the pretext of protecting it. By this we are all his disciples and his successors; by this he has laid the eternal foundation-stone of true religion; and if religion is essential to humanity, he has by this deserved the Divine rank the world has accorded him.”
– Renan, Ernest
“Two thousand years ago there was One here on this earth who lived the grandest life that ever has been lived yet–a life that every thinking man, with deeper or shallower meaning, has agreed to call divine.”
– Robertson, Frederick W.
“The Galilean is not a favorite of mine. So far from owing him any thanks for his favor, I cannot avoid confessing that I owe a secret grudge to his carpentership.”
– Shelley, Percy Bysshe
“The name of Jesus is as ointment poured forth; It nourishes, and illumines, and stills the anguish of the soul.”
– Silesius, Angelus
“I am pretty sure that we err in treating these sayings as paradoxes. It would be nearer the truth to say that it is life itself which is paradoxical and that the sayings of Jesus are simply a recognition of that fact.”
– Taylor, Thomas
“Christianity takes for granted the absence of any self-help and offers a power which is nothing less than the power of God.”
– Tozer, A. W.
“I thank God for the honesty and virility of Jesus religion which makes us face the facts and calls us to take a man’s part in the real battle of life.”
– Dyke, Henry Van
“Somewhere in the bible it say Jesus hair was like lamb’s wool, I say. Well, say Shug, if he came to any of these churches we talking bout he’d have to have it conked before anybody paid him any attention. The last thing niggers want to think about they God is that his hair kinky.”
– Walker, Alice
“Every time that I think of the crucifixion of Christ, I commit the sin of envy.”
– Weil, Simone
Begin by making a spurious distinction. Befuddle the reader with your analytic wizardry. The reader will enter a logical trance, from which she will be unable to recall the initial spurious distinction and will feel strangely compelled to accept your conclusions.
Think of a matter of great importance to life. Reduce it unequivocally to three concepts. Enumerate them. Analyze each concept by distinguishing two independent notions in each. Continue with further analysis (preferably speculative) until you have developed a maze of distinctions that bear no resemblance to any topic of any importance to life at all. The use of logical notation at this point will evoke deep feelings of insecurity and uncertainty in the reader – use this to your advantage. Use the word reductio at least once. Conclude by congratulating yourself on having advanced our collective human understanding of a topic of great importance by making it completely unrecognisable as such.
Technique 3 (Advanced)
Sit in front of a computer. Have a thesaurus nearby. Smoke up. Proceed to pronounce on anything that happens to come to mind. Use a tone that is urgent and highfalutin. Avoid the use of punctuation and use periods as infrequently as possible. French and German phrases should appear with regularity. When in doubt, make hasty references to Foucault, Heidegger, or Derrida. Take great pains not to explain what you mean. Abandon all reason.
Single-handedly develop your own jargon. It should include an exceedingly hard-to-follow extended metaphor of dubious relation to the topic under discussion. Persist in using the metaphor to ground your arguments. Stick to it at all costs, even if it seems to run your argument into blatant dead-ends or outrageous contradictions. To give the appearance of profundity, insert paragraph breaks at random. Then number every paragraph. (The reader will simply divine the appropriate relations between paragraphs, sub-paragraphs, and sub-sub-paragraphs.)
Think of a famous example from a twentieth-century philosopher. Think of a pun based on that example. (e.g., What is it like to be a rat? zit? phat?) Use the pun to develop a catchy new example of your own. Explain your example at length. Say nothing of genuine importance. By all means, do not advance philosophical discussion one iota. Conclude with more puns.
Respond to an article or book that you have not read. Be relentless.
Read an enormous mass of empirical data. Cite all of it and conclude that it is right. Overlook statistical ambiguities and incongruities. By all means, do not deign to interpret the data. Continue on like this for as long as you can (it may require stamina). The goal is to bore the reader into submission before the flood of facts. Try not to problematise anything (that only makes it harder).
Do some serious research. Do not rest until you have found a really obscure text. Reject this text. Continue to search until you find something truly obscure and completely unknown. In your first paragraph, state something of interest that you have discovered from reading this obscure text. Go on for many, many pages detailing the seemingly trivial and inconsequential insights of the obscure text. Repeatedly affirm what you said was interesting in the first paragraph, taking care not to expand upon what you said there. Conclude by reminding the reader that the point is so terribly obscure and so minimally interesting that if you had not written about it, no one would have.
Discuss a controversial and extremely interesting topic. Show great skill in handling the complexities of the topic, treating the arguments with care and subtle attention to important details and distinctions. Carefully trace out the implications of the different positions. But (and this is the hard part) refuse to be identified with any of the available philosophical positions. In fact, it is best never to let on that you have an opinion of your own. Always seek to evade the possibility that someone might reference your argument as your actual view. Use the elusive phrase ‘One might argue’ as often as possible to escape detection as a philosopher who is committed to something … to anything.
Spend some time – one or two seconds – concocting the most outrageous ethical conundrum possible. It should involve Nazis in some way. For example: What should person B do if confronted by person A, disguised as a Nazi, but not really currently a Nazi, but who used to be a Nazi, and who is threatening to kill B, who does not know whether A is or ever was a Nazi, and who is known as having a penchant for torturing small children, though only Nazi children, just for fun, but who has a special relationship with A’s child, who is not a Nazi, but who will enlist in the Nazi party if A harms B in any way or if B lies about his/her penchant for torturing Nazi children? Just when you think that the conundrum is complete, add in the possibility of saving one’s wife from a dire predicament, just to throw off the reader’s intuitions.
Using a style that is lively and congenial, make a promissory note. Say a bit. Make another promissory note. Say a bit more. Make another promissory note. Say a bit less. (You should be getting tired about now.) Say something – anything at all. Don’t worry about relevance – that’s overrated. Make a point about something wholly beside the point. Promise to return to the initial topic. Do not fulfill any of the promissory notes. End with a promise to take up another topic in a future paper. (An existent unpublished paper will do at a pinch.)
Set out not to solve any problems. Do this in spades.
Naturally, these techniques are not recommended for amateur use and should not be attempted without the supervision of a full professor. These philosophical techniques are for use only by professional philosophers who have had years of specialised training. The author is not responsible for any non-sequiturs, invalid arguments, fallacies, digressions, existential malaise, mid-life crises, or career changes that may result from the use of these techniques. Anyone who feels chest pain, constriction in the throat, reddening of the face, or clenching of the fists upon reading these techniques should be treated immediately for anautoscopsis (an inability to laugh at oneself), a potentially lethal condition.
Source: An article by: Brook Sadler – http://www.philosophersnet.com/magazine
HAM AND EGGS – A day’s work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
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***Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
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***Conway’s Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on – This person must be fired.
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***Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.
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***Satisfaction Guaranteed or Double Your Garbage Back.
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***Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell ’em, “Certainly, I can!” Then get busy and find out how to do it.
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***Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
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***I am a friend of the workingman, I would rather be his friend than be one.
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***The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit.
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***The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.
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***If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
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***No project was ever completed on time and within budget.
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***People are always available for work in the past tense.
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***If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.
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***We’re not Prince Charles and Princess Di. We don’t think of ourselves as royalty. We happen to be working people.
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***In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse. – Archie Bunker
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***Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
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***An ant on the move does more than a dozing ox.
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***One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.
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***I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
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***The reward for work well done is the opportunity to do more.
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***I make a lot of money, but I don’t want to talk about that. I work very hard and I’m worth every cent.
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***A bum asked me “Give me $10 till payday.” I asked “When’s payday?” He said “I don’t know, you’re the one who is working!”
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***I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.
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***I don’t know Laura Bush. But she seems to be calm, and she has a sparkle in her eye, which is good. But I don’t know that she’s ever had a real job – I mean, since she’s been grown up.
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***I didn’t have to work till I was three. But after that, I never stopped.
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***Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy.
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***Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. (Charlie McCarthy)
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***If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.
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***People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The trouble is they want a week’s pay for it.
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***So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said ‘You’ve been promoted.’ And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said “You’ve been promoted again.’ And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.’ And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’ And I said ‘I careered off the road.
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***Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.
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***Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is the probable reason why so few engage in it.
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***Working gets in the way of living.
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***Why is it men are permitted to be obsessed about their work, but women are only permitted to be obsessed about men?
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***I mean what good does it do anyone to kill themselves working, because the worms will get you in the end.
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***What do hookers do on their nights off—type?
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***Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
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***I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
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***The harder I work the luckier I get.
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Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked an accountant.”Watch and you’ll see”, answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, “Ticket, please”. The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea.
So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to ride without a ticket”? said one perplexed accountant.”Watch and you’ll see”, answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said, “Ticket, please”.
Money, money, money
It can buy a House
But not a Home
It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock
But not Time
It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine
But not Health
It can buy you Blood
But not Life
So you see, Money isn’t everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering…
So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
A more true Friend you will never find 🙂
Do your homework – step by step
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
4. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn’t started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
7. You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You’d better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that’s it– I mean it! As soon as it’s over you are going to start that paper.
10. Listen to the other side.
11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
12. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he’s started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.
13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren’t missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile.
16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
19. Look through your roommate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.
24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
25. Lie face down on the floor and scream at the top of your lungs.
26. Leap up and write the paper.
27. Type the paper.
28. Complain to everyone that you didn’t get any sleep because you had to write the paper.
Heaven and Hell
John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident.
When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, “St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can’t find him!”
St. Peter said, “My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn’t make it to Heaven.”
This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other.
John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, “Are you sure I’m in the right place?”
“My son,” St. Peter said, “looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn’t!”
Two friends met on the street and one said, “I heard your brother died. What happened?”
“It was very sad,” the other replied. “Lettuce killed him.”
“How could lettuce kill a man?”
“He bought lettuce at the market and asked the store owner how to keep it fresh”
“The owner told him, ‘Put your head in a plastic bag, tie it tight and put it in the refrigerator.'”
A man decided to march in the holy crusades.
Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend.
He tells him, “If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.”
So, the husband leaves on horseback.
About a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him.
He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. “What’s wrong?” he asks.
“You gave me the wrong key!”
Two elderly friends, Jack and Tom, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Jack didn’t show up. Tom didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Jack hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Tom got worried. Unfortunately he didn’t know where Jack lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
After a month passed, Tom figured he had seen the last of Jack, but one day, Tom approached the park and — lo and behold there sat Jack ! Tom, excited and happy, said how glad he was to see him, then blurted out, “For crying out loud, what on earth happened to you?”
“I’ve been in jail,” Jack said, with some embarrassment.
“Jail?” cried Tom. “What in the world for?”
“Well,” Jack said, “you know Marilyn , that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?”
“Yeah,” said Tom, “I remember her. What about her?”
“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ‘guilty’.
“And you were convicted of rape?”, asked Tom, stunned.
Jack replied, “No, the judge gave me thirty days for perjury.”
A guy meets a childhood pal.
“What are you doing for yourself these days?”
“I’m a fireman.”
“Oh yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman.”
“Well, if you want some good advice, you’ve got to install in your house a pole that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, ’cause the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night.”
Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.
“Well, did your son become a fireman?”
“No, but I have two daughters who are “dancers.”
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man below says: “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.”
“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.
“I am” replies the man. “How did you know.”
“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”
The man below says “You must be a manager.”
“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”
Two men were talking about their exploits with women. One of the men began feeling terrible about some of the things that he had done, so he decided to make a stop into his parish church and go to confession.
He told his friend, ‘Just a minute, I’ll be right back.’ He went into the church and decided to go to confession. He went into the confessional and said to the priest, ‘Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs.’
The priest replied, ‘You need to say forty Hail Mary’s, and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish.’
The man said, ‘Yes, Father, they were.’ The priest then said that he was required to tell the names of the two women.
The man said, ‘Father, I don’t kiss and tell…’
The priest said, ‘Well, was one of them Mrs. O’ Brian?’
The man said, ‘No, Father!’
The priest asked, ‘Well, was one of them Mrs. Swenson?’
Exasperated, the man said, ‘No, Father, I’m not telling you the names of the women!’ and then quickly left the confessional.
As he approached the bottom of the church steps, his friend asked, ‘So, how did it go?’
The man said, ‘Great! Only forty Hail Mary’s… and I got two hot leads!’
A farmer was at a diner one day having lunch when he noticed an old friend. What really caught his attention was that this friend was wearing an earring.
The farmer knew his old buddy to be a fairly conservative fellow, and was curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”
The farmer walked up to him and said, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” the fellow replied sheepishly.
The farmer was silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity got the best of him and he asked “So, how long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in my truck,” the man replied.
Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, ‘When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, ‘I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man.’
The second guy says, ‘I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.’
The last guy replies, ‘I would like to hear them say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’
Two Types of Friends
A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.
A simple friend doesn’t know your parents’ first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.
A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and clean.
A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.
A simple friend seeks to talk with you about their problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it.
A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.
A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend knows that it’s not a friendship until after you’ve had a fight.
A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!