Collection of: Funniest LOVE Quotes

Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.

— Adrienne Gusoff

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

— Agatha Christie

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed.

— Albert Einstein

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.

— Albert Einstein

Men make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.

— Anonymous

You know it’s love when you want to keep holding hands even after you’re sweaty.

— Anonymous

The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.”

— Anonymous

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.

— Anonymous

Marriage is like jogging through a puddle of industrial strength rubber glue. You can work hard and make it through the struggles; however, you usually leave your bobby socks and sneakers behind along the way.

— Anonymous

When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires.

— Anonymous

Men only have two faults….What they do, and what they say!

— Anonymous

You can’t buy love on eBay.

— Anonymous

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

— Bette Midler

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.

— Brendan Francis

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.

— Cathy Carlyle

Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.

— Cecilia Egan

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him.

— Cher

Men aren’t necessities, they’re luxuries.

— Cher

By the time you swear you’re his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is infinite, undying –
Lady, make note of this: One of you is lying.

— Dorothy Parker

I’m always looking for meaningful one night stands.

— Dudley Moore

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

— Erma Bombeck

Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. It’s a drug. It distorts reality, and that’s the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.

— Fran Lebowitz

It is impossible to love and be wise.

— Francis Bacon

Marriage marks the end of many short follies – being one long stupidity.

— Friedrich Nietzsche

Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery.

— Fulton J. Sheen

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

— George Carlin

Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one.

— Glenn Beck

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.

— Groucho Marx

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

— Henry Kissinger

When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you.

And she never did.

— James Fineous McBride

Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.

— Jean Kerr

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.

— Joan Crawford

It’s been so long since I made love,
I can’t even remember who gets tied up.

— Joan Rivers

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

— Joan Rivers

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip.

— Jonathan Carroll

No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn’t take the first pill that comes along.

— Joyce Brothers

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.

— Katharine Hepburn

True love is like seeing ghosts; we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one.

— La Rochefoucauld

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.

— Lily Tomlin

The only people who make love all the time are liars.

— Louis Jordan

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby…

— Natalie Wood

Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman.

— Oscar Wilde

Love is a grave mental disease.

— Plato

Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?

— Rita Rudner

All marriages are happy. It’s trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems.

— Shelley Winters

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

— Steve Martin

A love without indiscretion is no lover at all.

— Thomas Hardy

Marriage is a great institution for those who like institutions.

— Tommy Dewar

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.

— W. Somerset Maugham

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

— Walt Disney

Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

— Woody Allen

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty…

— Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.

— Woody Allen

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
— Helen Rowland

Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.
— Albert Einstein

To be in love is merely to be in a state of perpetual anesthesia – to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.
— H.L. Mencken

Love is the gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everyone else.
— George Bernard Shaw

The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.
— George Bernard Shaw

The only true love is love at first sight; second sight dispels it.
— Israel Zangwill

To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.
— Bertrand Russell

Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
— Jerome K. Jerome

Love is like any other luxury. You have no right to it unless you can afford it.
— Anthony Trollope

Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it, let’s fall in love.
— Cole Porter

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. (Charlie Brown)
— Charles Schulz

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.”
— Charles Schulz

What the world really needs is more love and less paper work.
— Pearl Bailey

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
— John Barrymore

Love ceases to be a pleasure, when it ceases to be a secret.
— Aphra Behn

I don’t trust or love anyone. Because people are so creepy. Creepy creepy creeps. Creeping around. Creeping here and creeping there. Creeping everywhere. Crippity crappity creepies.
— Vincent Gallo

True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
— Erich Segal

The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
— Charles Pierce

Love lasteth as long as the money endureth.
— William Caxton

That love at first sight should happen to me, was Life’s most delicious revenge on a self-opinionated fool.
— Charles Boyer

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
— Lily Tomlin

A proof that experience is of no use, is that the end of one love does not prevent us from beginning another.
— Paul Bourget

Never go to bed mad — stay up and fight.
— Phyllis Diller

Once you have loved someone, you’d do anything in the world for them… except love them again.
— Anonymous

Love is like war: Easy to begin but hard to end.
— Anonymous

Love has the power of making you believe what you would normally treat with the deepest suspicion.
— Mirabeau

Three things can’t be hidden: coughing, poverty, and love.
— Yiddish proverb

I detest ‘love lyrics.’ I think one of the causes of bad mental health in the United States is that people have been raised on ‘love lyrics.”
— Frank Zappa

I should like to see any kind of a man, distinguishable from a gorilla, that some good and even pretty woman could not shape a husband out of.
— Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

A woman might as well propose: her husband will claim she did.
— Edgar Watson Howe

An old man who marries a young wife grows younger – but she grows older.
— folk saying

It is not uncommon for slight acquaintances to get married, but a couple really have to know each other to get divorced.
— Anonymous

What female heart can despise gold?
— Thomas Gray

A lady of 47 who has been married 27 years and has six children knows what love really is and once described it for me like this: ‘Love is what you’ve been through with somebody.’
— James Thurber

I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
— Rita Rudner

Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away.
— Dorothy Parker

Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for.
— Mae West

It does not matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you do not do it in the street and frighten the horses.
— Mrs. Patrick Campbell

A happy home is one in which each spouse grants the possibility that the other may be right, though neither believes it.
— Don Fraser

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
— unknown

There are three kinds of men who do not understand women: Young, old, and middle-aged.
— Anonymous (and with good reason)

Women like me because I make them laugh. And what is an orgasm, except laughter of the loins?
— Mickey Rooney

There will be sex after death, we just won’t be able to feel it.
— Lily Tomlin

A bride at her second wedding does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting.
— Helen Rowland

Marriage is a fine institution – but I’m not ready for an institution.
— Mae West

My heart’s in the right place. I know, ‘cuz I hid it there.
— Carrie Fisher

My wife and I have sex almost every day of the week,” Milton Berle once said. “Yes, almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday.”
— Milton Berle

If you do kiss a politician, remember this: You are not only kissing him, you are kissing every butt that he has kissed in the last eight years.
— Jay Leno

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you’re getting this down.
— Woody Allen, Love and Death

We cannot really love anybody without whom we never laugh.
— Alice Reppler

The sincerest love is the love of food.
— Bernard Shaw

Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can’t help but smile on it.
— Josh Billings

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
— Unknown

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener!
— Unknown

The great question… which I have not been able to
answer… is, “What  ..does a woman want?”
— Freud

Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late.”
— Anonymous

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
— David Bissonette

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him
— Unknown
(I actually use this principle! HAHAHA! – PurpleRose)

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
— Ambrose Bierce

Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law
— Anonymous

Man is better off than woman; he marries later and dies sooner.
— Anonymous

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
— Anonymous

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.
– Anonymous

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
-Oscar Wilde

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
— Zsa Zsa Gabor

My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met.
–Rodney Dangerfield

The most happy marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.
— Coleridge

One good husband is worth two good wives; for the scarcer things are, the more they are valued.
— Benjamin Franklin

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
— Henry Youngman

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
— Phyllis Diller

Arguments are unsafe with wives, because they examine them; but they do not examine compliments. One can pass upon a wife a compliment that is three-fourths base metal; she will not even bite it to see if it is good; all she notices is the size of it, not the quality.
— Hellfire Hotchkiss

All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.
— Lord Byron

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
— Jimmy Durante

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
— Anonymous

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
— Jim Backus

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.”
— George Burns

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close knit family in another city.”
— George Burns

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.
— Patrick Murray.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.”
— Anonymous

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday
is to forget it once!
— Woody Allen

Yawn – Nature’s way of letting married men open their mouths.
— Anon

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
— Anonymous

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
— Anonymous

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence!
— Anonymous

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
— Milton Berle

A wife is  someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.
— Unknown

I think… therefore I’m single.
— Anonymous