Qoutes About Jesus Christ

zwani.com myspace graphic comments

“The Christian is not one who has gone all the way with Christ. None of us has. The Christian is one who has found the right road.”
– Allen, Charles L.

“Jesus whom I know as my Redeemer cannot be less than God.”
– Athanasius, St.

“Thinking as I do that the Creator of this world is a very cruel being, and being a worshipper of Christ, I cannot help saying: the Son, O how unlike the Father! First God Almighty comes with a thump on the head. Then Jesus Christ comes with a balm to heal it.”
– Blake, William

“Alexander, Caesar, Charlemagne, and myself founded empires; but what foundation did we rest the creations of our genius? Upon force. Jesus Christ founded an empire upon love; and at this hour millions of men would die for Him.”
– Bonaparte, Napoleon

“Jesus Christ, the condescension of divinity, and the exaltation of humanity.”
– Brooks, Phillips

“A lot of people say to me, Why did you kill Christ? I dunno… it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know. We killed him because he didn’t want to become a doctor, that’s why we killed him.”
– Bruce, Lenny

“In every pang that rends the heart the Man of Sorrows has a part.”
– Bruce, Michael

“I love to hear my Lord spoken of, and wherever I have seen the print of His shoe in the earth, there have I coveted to put mine also.”
– Bunyan, John

“Each eye can have its vision separately; but when we are looking at anything our vision, which in itself is divided, joins up and unites in order to give itself as a whole to the object that is put before it.”
– Calvin, John

“None speak of the bravery, the might, or the intellect of Jesus; but the devil is always imagined as a being of acute intellect, political cunning, and the fiercest courage. These universal and instinctive tendencies of the human mind reveal much.”
– Child, Lydia M.

“The Lord has turned all our sunsets into sunrise.”
– Clement of Alexandria

“The blood of Jesus Christ can cover a multitude of sins, it seems to me.”
– Diderot, Denis

“The most pressing question on the problem of faith is whether a man as a civilized being can believe in the divinity of the Son of God, Jesus Christ, for therein rests the whole of our faith.”
– Dostoevsky, Fyodor

“To become Christ-like is the only thing in the whole world worth caring for, the thing before which every ambition of man is folly and all lower achievement vain.”
– Drummond, Henry

“By a Carpenter mankind was made, and only by that Carpenter can mankind be remade.”
– Erasmus, Desiderius

“Above all the grace and the gifts that Christ gives to his beloved is that of overcoming self.”
– Francis of Assisi, St.

“A man who was completely innocent, offered himself as a sacrifice for the good of others, including his enemies, and became the ransom of the world. It was a perfect act.”
– Gandhi, Mahatma

“Jesus was the first socialist, the first to seek a better life for mankind.”
– Gorbachev, Mikhail

“The men who followed Him were unique in their generation. They turned the world upside down because their hearts had been turned right side up. The world has never been the same.”
– Graham, Billy

“No man ever loved like Jesus. He taught the blind to see and the dumb to speak. He died on the cross to save us. He bore our sins. And now God says, Because He did, I can forgive you.”
– Graham, Billy

“Jesus Christ is God’s everything for man’s total need.”
– Halverson, Richard

“Jesus Christ turns life right-side-up, and heaven outside-in.”
– Henry, Carl F. H.

“I wouldn’t put it past God to arrange a virgin birth if He wanted, but I very much doubt if He would.”
– Jenkins, David

“He comes into the world God knows how, walks on the water, gets out of his grave and goes up off the Hill of Howth. What drivel is this?”
– Joyce, James

“No one else holds or has held the place in the heart of the world which Jesus holds. Other gods have been as devoutly worshipped; no other man has been so devoutly loved.”
– Knox, John

“All that I am I owe to Jesus Christ, revealed to me in His divine Book.”
– Livingstone, David

“You should point to the whole man Jesus and say, That is God.”
– Luther, Martin

“Jesus says, I love you just the way you are. And I love you too much to let you stay the way you are.”
– Lyons, Chris

“We believe that the history of the world is but the history of His influence and that the center of the whole universe is the cross of Calvary.”
– Maclaren, Alexander

“The greatest thing about any civilization is the human person, and the greatest thing about this person is the possibility of his encounter with the person of Jesus Christ.”
– Malik, Charles

“Jesus promised His disciples three things: that they would be entirely fearless, absurdly happy, and that they would get into trouble.”
– Maltby, W. Russell

“I believe in person to person. Every person is Christ for me, and since there is only one Jesus, that person is the one person in the world at that moment.”
– Mother Teresa

“There is but one love of Jesus, as there is but one person in the poor — Jesus. We take vows of chastity to love Christ with undivided love; to be able to love him with undivided love we take a vow of poverty which frees us from all material possessions, and with that freedom we can love him with undivided love, and from this vow of undivided love we surrender ourselves totally to him in the person who takes his place.”
– Mother Teresa

“The word Christianity is already a misunderstanding — in reality there has been only one Christian, and he died on the Cross.”
– Nietzsche, Friedrich

“Jesus was a brilliant Jewish stand-up comedian, a phenomenal improviser. His parables are great one-liners.”
– Paglia, Camille

“Only Christ could have conceived Christ.”
– Parker, Joseph

“Jesus is the God whom we can approach without pride and before whom we can humble ourselves without despair.”
– Pascal, Blaise

“God speaks to me not through the thunder and the earthquake, nor through the ocean and the stars, but through the Son of Man, and speaks in a language adapted to my imperfect sight and hearing.”
– Phelps, William Lyon

“A heroic figure… not wholly to blame for the religion that’s been foisted on him.”
– Pound, Ezra

“Let us pardon him his hope of a vain apocalypse, and of a second coming in great triumph upon the clouds of heaven. Perhaps these were the errors of others rather than his own; and if it be true that he himself shared the general illusion, what matters it, since his dream rendered him strong against death, and sustained him in a struggle to which he might otherwise have been unequal?”
– Renan, Ernest

“Never has any one been less a priest than Jesus, never a greater enemy of forms, which stifle religion under the pretext of protecting it. By this we are all his disciples and his successors; by this he has laid the eternal foundation-stone of true religion; and if religion is essential to humanity, he has by this deserved the Divine rank the world has accorded him.”
– Renan, Ernest

“Two thousand years ago there was One here on this earth who lived the grandest life that ever has been lived yet–a life that every thinking man, with deeper or shallower meaning, has agreed to call divine.”
– Robertson, Frederick W.

“The Galilean is not a favorite of mine. So far from owing him any thanks for his favor, I cannot avoid confessing that I owe a secret grudge to his carpentership.”
– Shelley, Percy Bysshe

“The name of Jesus is as ointment poured forth; It nourishes, and illumines, and stills the anguish of the soul.”
– Silesius, Angelus

“I am pretty sure that we err in treating these sayings as paradoxes. It would be nearer the truth to say that it is life itself which is paradoxical and that the sayings of Jesus are simply a recognition of that fact.”
– Taylor, Thomas

“Christianity takes for granted the absence of any self-help and offers a power which is nothing less than the power of God.”
– Tozer, A. W.

“I thank God for the honesty and virility of Jesus religion which makes us face the facts and calls us to take a man’s part in the real battle of life.”
– Dyke, Henry Van

“Somewhere in the bible it say Jesus hair was like lamb’s wool, I say. Well, say Shug, if he came to any of these churches we talking bout he’d have to have it conked before anybody paid him any attention. The last thing niggers want to think about they God is that his hair kinky.”
– Walker, Alice

“Every time that I think of the crucifixion of Christ, I commit the sin of envy.”
– Weil, Simone

Source: http://www.quotationsbook.com/

How To Be A Philosopher

Technique 1

Begin by making a spurious distinction. Befuddle the reader with your analytic wizardry. The reader will enter a logical trance, from which she will be unable to recall the initial spurious distinction and will feel strangely compelled to accept your conclusions.

Technique 2

Think of a matter of great importance to life. Reduce it unequivocally to three concepts. Enumerate them. Analyze each concept by distinguishing two independent notions in each. Continue with further analysis (preferably speculative) until you have developed a maze of distinctions that bear no resemblance to any topic of any importance to life at all. The use of logical notation at this point will evoke deep feelings of insecurity and uncertainty in the reader – use this to your advantage. Use the word reductio at least once. Conclude by congratulating yourself on having advanced our collective human understanding of a topic of great importance by making it completely unrecognisable as such.

Technique 3 (Advanced)

Sit in front of a computer. Have a thesaurus nearby. Smoke up. Proceed to pronounce on anything that happens to come to mind. Use a tone that is urgent and highfalutin. Avoid the use of punctuation and use periods as infrequently as possible. French and German phrases should appear with regularity. When in doubt, make hasty references to Foucault, Heidegger, or Derrida. Take great pains not to explain what you mean. Abandon all reason.

Technique 4

Single-handedly develop your own jargon. It should include an exceedingly hard-to-follow extended metaphor of dubious relation to the topic under discussion. Persist in using the metaphor to ground your arguments. Stick to it at all costs, even if it seems to run your argument into blatant dead-ends or outrageous contradictions. To give the appearance of profundity, insert paragraph breaks at random. Then number every paragraph. (The reader will simply divine the appropriate relations between paragraphs, sub-paragraphs, and sub-sub-paragraphs.)

Technique 5

Think of a famous example from a twentieth-century philosopher. Think of a pun based on that example. (e.g., What is it like to be a rat? zit? phat?) Use the pun to develop a catchy new example of your own. Explain your example at length. Say nothing of genuine importance. By all means, do not advance philosophical discussion one iota. Conclude with more puns.

Technique 6

Respond to an article or book that you have not read. Be relentless.

Technique 7

Read an enormous mass of empirical data. Cite all of it and conclude that it is right. Overlook statistical ambiguities and incongruities. By all means, do not deign to interpret the data. Continue on like this for as long as you can (it may require stamina). The goal is to bore the reader into submission before the flood of facts. Try not to problematise anything (that only makes it harder).

Technique 8

Do some serious research. Do not rest until you have found a really obscure text. Reject this text. Continue to search until you find something truly obscure and completely unknown. In your first paragraph, state something of interest that you have discovered from reading this obscure text. Go on for many, many pages detailing the seemingly trivial and inconsequential insights of the obscure text. Repeatedly affirm what you said was interesting in the first paragraph, taking care not to expand upon what you said there. Conclude by reminding the reader that the point is so terribly obscure and so minimally interesting that if you had not written about it, no one would have.

Technique 9

Discuss a controversial and extremely interesting topic. Show great skill in handling the complexities of the topic, treating the arguments with care and subtle attention to important details and distinctions. Carefully trace out the implications of the different positions. But (and this is the hard part) refuse to be identified with any of the available philosophical positions. In fact, it is best never to let on that you have an opinion of your own. Always seek to evade the possibility that someone might reference your argument as your actual view. Use the elusive phrase ‘One might argue’ as often as possible to escape detection as a philosopher who is committed to something … to anything.

Technique 10

Spend some time – one or two seconds – concocting the most outrageous ethical conundrum possible. It should involve Nazis in some way. For example: What should person B do if confronted by person A, disguised as a Nazi, but not really currently a Nazi, but who used to be a Nazi, and who is threatening to kill B, who does not know whether A is or ever was a Nazi, and who is known as having a penchant for torturing small children, though only Nazi children, just for fun, but who has a special relationship with A’s child, who is not a Nazi, but who will enlist in the Nazi party if A harms B in any way or if B lies about his/her penchant for torturing Nazi children? Just when you think that the conundrum is complete, add in the possibility of saving one’s wife from a dire predicament, just to throw off the reader’s intuitions.

Technique 11

Using a style that is lively and congenial, make a promissory note. Say a bit. Make another promissory note. Say a bit more. Make another promissory note. Say a bit less. (You should be getting tired about now.) Say something – anything at all. Don’t worry about relevance – that’s overrated. Make a point about something wholly beside the point. Promise to return to the initial topic. Do not fulfill any of the promissory notes. End with a promise to take up another topic in a future paper. (An existent unpublished paper will do at a pinch.)

Technique 12

Set out not to solve any problems. Do this in spades.

Note

Naturally, these techniques are not recommended for amateur use and should not be attempted without the supervision of a full professor. These philosophical techniques are for use only by professional philosophers who have had years of specialised training. The author is not responsible for any non-sequiturs, invalid arguments, fallacies, digressions, existential malaise, mid-life crises, or career changes that may result from the use of these techniques. Anyone who feels chest pain, constriction in the throat, reddening of the face, or clenching of the fists upon reading these techniques should be treated immediately for anautoscopsis (an inability to laugh at oneself), a potentially lethal condition.

Source: An article by: Brook Sadler – http://www.philosophersnet.com/magazine

Photo By joonspoon on Flickr

Funny Work Quotes

HAM AND EGGS – A day’s work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
More funny Anonymous quotes

***Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
More funny Edgar Bergen quotes

***Conway’s Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on – This person must be fired.
More funny Anonymous quotes

***Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.
More funny Robert Orben quotes

***Satisfaction Guaranteed or Double Your Garbage Back.
More funny Garbage Truck quotes

***Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell ’em, “Certainly, I can!” Then get busy and find out how to do it.
More funny Theodore Roosevelt quotes

***Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
More funny Anonymous quotes

***I am a friend of the workingman, I would rather be his friend than be one.
More funny Clarence Darrow quotes

***The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit.
More funny Dwight Morrow quotes

***The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.
More funny Bove’s Theorem quotes

***If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
More funny Cannon’s Law quotes

***No project was ever completed on time and within budget.
More funny Cheops Law quotes

***People are always available for work in the past tense.
More funny Zymurgy’s Law of Volunteer Labour quotes

***If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.
More funny Lane Kirkland quotes

***We’re not Prince Charles and Princess Di. We don’t think of ourselves as royalty. We happen to be working people.
More funny Christie Brinkley quotes

***In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse. – Archie Bunker
More funny Carroll O’Connor quotes

***Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
More funny Oscar Wilde quotes

***An ant on the move does more than a dozing ox.
More funny Lao Tzu quotes

***One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.
More funny Bertrand Russell quotes

***I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
More funny Jerome K. Jerome quotes

***The reward for work well done is the opportunity to do more.
More funny Jonas Salk quotes

***I make a lot of money, but I don’t want to talk about that. I work very hard and I’m worth every cent.
More funny Naomi Campbell quotes

***A bum asked me “Give me $10 till payday.” I asked “When’s payday?” He said “I don’t know, you’re the one who is working!”
More funny Henny Youngman quotes

***I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.
More funny Henny Youngman quotes

***I don’t know Laura Bush. But she seems to be calm, and she has a sparkle in her eye, which is good. But I don’t know that she’s ever had a real job – I mean, since she’s been grown up.
More funny Teresa Heinz Kerry quotes

***I didn’t have to work till I was three. But after that, I never stopped.
More funny Martha Raye quotes

***Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy.
More funny Huey Long quotes

***Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. (Charlie McCarthy)
More funny Charlie McCarthy quotes

***If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.
More funny Claude McDonald quotes

***People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The trouble is they want a week’s pay for it.
More funny Joey Adams quotes

***So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said ‘You’ve been promoted.’ And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said “You’ve been promoted again.’ And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.’ And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’ And I said ‘I careered off the road.
More funny Tim Vine quotes

***Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.
More funny John Ciardi quotes

***Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is the probable reason why so few engage in it.
More funny Henry Ford quotes

***Working gets in the way of living.
More funny Omar Sharif quotes

***Why is it men are permitted to be obsessed about their work, but women are only permitted to be obsessed about men?
More funny Barbra Streisand quotes

***I mean what good does it do anyone to kill themselves working, because the worms will get you in the end.
More funny Dorothy Gish quotes

***What do hookers do on their nights off—type?
More funny Elayne Boosler quotes

***Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
More funny William Archibald Spooner quotes

***I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
More funny Charles Lamb quotes

***The harder I work the luckier I get.
More funny Samuel Goldwyn quotes

Source: http://www.basicjokes.com/

“FRIEND” Jokes

Train Tickets
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked an accountant.”Watch and you’ll see”, answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, “Ticket, please”. The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea.

So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to ride without a ticket”? said one perplexed accountant.”Watch and you’ll see”, answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said, “Ticket, please”.

Source: http://www.friendshipday.org/jokes-for-friends.html

Money, money, money

It can buy a House
But not a Home
It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock
But not Time
It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine
But not Health
It can buy you Blood
But not Life
So you see, Money isn’t everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering…

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
A more true Friend you will never find 🙂

Do your homework – step by step

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
4. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn’t started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
7. You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You’d better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that’s it– I mean it! As soon as it’s over you are going to start that paper.
10. Listen to the other side.
11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
12. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he’s started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.
13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren’t missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile.
16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
19. Look through your roommate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.
24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
25. Lie face down on the floor and scream at the top of your lungs.
26. Leap up and write the paper.
27. Type the paper.
28. Complain to everyone that you didn’t get any sleep because you had to write the paper.

Source: http://www.theholidayspot.com/friendship/jokes.htm

Heaven and Hell

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident.

When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, “St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can’t find him!”

St. Peter said, “My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn’t make it to Heaven.”

This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other.

John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, “Are you sure I’m in the right place?”

“My son,” St. Peter said, “looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn’t!”

Brother Died

Two friends met on the street and one said, “I heard your brother died. What happened?”

“It was very sad,” the other replied. “Lettuce killed him.”

“How could lettuce kill a man?”

“He bought lettuce at the market and asked the store owner how to keep it fresh”

“The owner told him, ‘Put your head in a plastic bag, tie it tight and put it in the refrigerator.'”

Key

A man decided to march in the holy crusades.

Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend.

He tells him, “If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.”

So, the husband leaves on horseback.

About a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him.

He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

“You gave me the wrong key!”

With Pride

Two elderly friends, Jack and Tom, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Jack didn’t show up. Tom didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Jack hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Tom got worried. Unfortunately he didn’t know where Jack lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

After a month passed, Tom figured he had seen the last of Jack, but one day, Tom approached the park and — lo and behold there sat Jack ! Tom, excited and happy, said how glad he was to see him, then blurted out, “For crying out loud, what on earth happened to you?”

“I’ve been in jail,” Jack said, with some embarrassment.

“Jail?” cried Tom. “What in the world for?”

“Well,” Jack said, “you know Marilyn , that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?”

“Yeah,” said Tom, “I remember her. What about her?”

“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ‘guilty’.

“And you were convicted of rape?”, asked Tom, stunned.

Jack replied, “No, the judge gave me thirty days for perjury.”

Future Plan

A guy meets a childhood pal.

“What are you doing for yourself these days?”

“I’m a fireman.”

“Oh yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman.”

“Well, if you want some good advice, you’ve got to install in your house a pole that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, ’cause the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night.”

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

“Well, did your son become a fireman?”

“No, but I have two daughters who are “dancers.”

Fault

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below says: “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.”

“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.

“I am” replies the man. “How did you know.”

“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”

The man below says “You must be a manager.”

“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”

Confession

Two men were talking about their exploits with women. One of the men began feeling terrible about some of the things that he had done, so he decided to make a stop into his parish church and go to confession.

He told his friend, ‘Just a minute, I’ll be right back.’ He went into the church and decided to go to confession. He went into the confessional and said to the priest, ‘Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs.’

The priest replied, ‘You need to say forty Hail Mary’s, and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish.’

The man said, ‘Yes, Father, they were.’ The priest then said that he was required to tell the names of the two women.

The man said, ‘Father, I don’t kiss and tell…’

The priest said, ‘Well, was one of them Mrs. O’ Brian?’

The man said, ‘No, Father!’

The priest asked, ‘Well, was one of them Mrs. Swenson?’

Exasperated, the man said, ‘No, Father, I’m not telling you the names of the women!’ and then quickly left the confessional.

As he approached the bottom of the church steps, his friend asked, ‘So, how did it go?’

The man said, ‘Great! Only forty Hail Mary’s… and I got two hot leads!’

Fashion Sense

A farmer was at a diner one day having lunch when he noticed an old friend. What really caught his attention was that this friend was wearing an earring.

The farmer knew his old buddy to be a fairly conservative fellow, and was curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”

The farmer walked up to him and said, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” the fellow replied sheepishly.

The farmer was silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity got the best of him and he asked “So, how long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in my truck,” the man replied.

Three Buddies

Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, ‘When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, ‘I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man.’

The second guy says, ‘I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.’

The last guy replies, ‘I would like to hear them say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’

Two Types of Friends

A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.

A simple friend doesn’t know your parents’ first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.

A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and clean.

A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.

A simple friend seeks to talk with you about their problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.

A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it.

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.

A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend knows that it’s not a friendship until after you’ve had a fight.

A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!

Source: http://www.hijokes.com/friends

Small Collection of EMO Poems

Our Love

Loves memory has traced our outline in this place.
But will the spider remember, or the sun?
Did the water capture our faces in permanence?
Does the wind create us anew as it blows?
Did the shadows from the trees record our passage beneath them?
Our secret been revealed.
Yet I have told no other.
I write these words in silence, in mute testimony
To what once was.
But our image remains alive in this place.
It can not be removed.
You, me,
We then,
Were here.
We saw the day and hoped for tomorrow.
We caught a brief glimpse of love’s promise.
We were not liars,
But thieves of time.
For now time has now forgotten us,
Yet our memory lingers, and love remembers
This place that was ours.

Falling Away

I am bored with love
and it’s passionless limbs
that drape over my bed
in a lethargic state of impotence
while wearing the same red heart
my soul picked up hitchhiking
off highway serendipity

Now here we are
alone in togetherness
trying to build dreams
with two by fours and glue,
but even a home
won’t tie us together
when our hearts live alone

Poetic vows cliched
into nothingness
like all words do, eventually
and we allowed
our bodies to become
another pair of hollow shadows
that make love to a wall
instead of each other
and we wonder why
the roses are dying

Your Lies

Funny when things never change
Even when you say they will
But while your off s(rewing her
My life is standing still

You tell me that you love me
When I go to leave
You tell me I’m your only one
And I let myself believe

I know that you are using me
But you’ll never let me go
I know that you don’t love me
I know I’m just for show

I don’t know If I can stand
To see you love another girl
You know that you broke my heart
You know that your my world

But while your standing by my side
I’ll believe your lies forever
Cause everything seems so perfect
When we are together

Autumn Times

Autumn breeze frigidly touches ailing dreadful lives
Harshly darkness quietly surrounds the broken souls
Mellow serenades that once played between hearts
Pathetically have transformed into bitter sad songs

Somewhere beyond the flossy clouds
Cupid has lost his romancing arrows
Plays sad sonorous tunes on his bow
Dedicated to all weepy lonely hearts

Howling chilly wind blows through the mist
Sounds of sorrow spread allover the place
Fuzzy humid air submerges the inner lust
Lives decay slowly as the autumn leaves fall…

Source: http://www.emo-corner.com/emo-poems/emo-poems.html

): SAD EMO Quotes :(

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.

I cry for the time that you were almost mine,  I cry for the memories I’ve left behind, I cry for the pain, the lost, the old the new, I cry for the times I thought I had you

Not all scars show, not all wounds heal Sometimes you can’t always see The pain someone feels

Whats the sense of wishing for something when I always just wish it away?

Every night i talk to the stars pretending its you.. it acts just like you tho.. far away and never replies to my questions

Why do people tell you to believe in what you want to but then tell you not to believe in the one true thing you do believe in?

Times a precious thing to waste, but friends are more precious

The sad truth is that most evil is done by people who never make up their minds to be good or evil.

The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.

Do not assume that he who seeks to comfort you now, lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life may also have much sadness and difficulty, that remains far beyond yours. Were it otherwise, he would never have been able to find these words.

You wake to suffer through the day.
Trade a dream for the pay.
Well here’s the fact, I hope it sticks.
You’re just alive out of habit.

I swear to you on everything I am.
And I dedicate to you all that I have.
And I promise you that I will stand right by your side.
Forever and always until the day I die.

Hate can be a positive emotion.
When it forces you to better yourself.

I will not be broken.
I am the one.

Just live and breathe.
And try not to die again.

Don’t lose touch with life’s reality.
Compensate for life’s stupidity.

My heart bleeds no more.
Now it’s been turned to stone.

Leave me alone.
Don’t come any closer.
I’m so alone.
And you call me a loser.

There once was a time
When silence meant nothing to me.

These questions in my mind
Are so much bigger than life.

I need not your wicked weapons.
my war is not with someone like you.

staring at the world.
through the hole you.
put through my head.

I might look young.
But I’m no less defeated.

Just talking with my shoes.
Converse with my Converse.

Source: http://lovestoryblog.com/sad-emo-quotes.html

Love and Romance Quotes

You know you are in love when you see the world in her eyes, and her eyes everywhere in the world. ~David Levesque

When you love someone, all your saved-up wishes start coming out. ~Elizabeth Bowen

Love isn’t blind; it just only sees what matters. ~William Curry

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world. ~Bill Wilson

Love is smiling on the inside and out. ~Jennifer Williams

Love one another and you will be happy. It’s as simple and as difficult as that. ~Michael Leunig

To love another person is to see the face of God. ~Victor Hugo

Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition. ~Alexander Smith

Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship – never. ~Charles Caleb Colton

There is no remedy for love but to love more. ~Henry David Thoreau

We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh. ~Agnes Repplier

To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best. ~William M. Thackeray

True love never dies for it is lust that fades away. Love bonds for a lifetime but lust just pushes away. ~Alicia Barnhart

If so many men, so many minds, certainly so many hearts, so many kinds of love. ~Leo Tolstoy

Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here. ~Marianne Williamson

Love, like a river, will cut a new path whenever it meets an obstacle. ~Crystal Middlemas

There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. ~George Sand

The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. ~G. K. Chesterton

Love is a moment that lasts forever… ~Julie Wittey

Love is not love that alters when it alteration finds. ~William Shakespeare

Love is something you can’t describe, like the look of a rose, the smell of the rain, or the feeling of forever. ~Kristen Kappel

Like a child’s infinite dreams, is the endlessness of love. ~Renee Tripp

A mighty pain to love it is, and ’tis a pain that pain to miss; but of all the pains, the greatest pain is to love, but love in vain. ~Abraham Crowley

True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen. ~La Rochefoucauld

Tell me whom you love and I will tell you who you are. ~Houssaye

Love is shown in your deeds, not in your words. ~Fr. Jerome Cummings

Where there is love there is life. ~Gandhi

We look forward to the time when the power to love of will replace the love of power. Then will our world know the blessings of peace. ~William Gladstone

Love that is true never grows old. ~Elben Bano

Love reminds you that nothing else matters. ~Amy Bushell

Love is more than a feeling; it’s a state of mind. ~Lisa Grude

Love is like a blazing flame, golden and full of warmth. ~Ben Oliver

Love is like a piece of art work, even the smallest bit can be so beautiful. ~Stacie Cunningham

Love is sweet, delicate, dreamy: an eternity of gorgeous moments. ~Sarah Montgomery

To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage. ~Lao Tzu

Romance is the fuel that keeps love burning hot. ~Rusty Silvey

If you would be loved, love and be lovable. ~Benjamin Franklin

Love, the key that unlocks the bars of impossibility. ~Fikayo Ositelu

‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. ~Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Love is when you look into someone’s eyes and see their heart. ~Jill Petty

Real love is feeling like being a part of that person’s life almost isn’t enough. It’s more like a feeling that you would live in the same skin with them if you could and share every thought, heart beat, and emotion as one. ~Rod Cannon

Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance, even celebration of another’s personhood. ~Karen Casey

If you judge people, you have no time to love them. ~Mother Theresa

Source: http://hubpages.com/hub/Quotes_About_Love