Collection of: Funniest LOVE Quotes

love-funny

Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.

— Adrienne Gusoff

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

— Agatha Christie

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed.

— Albert Einstein

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.

— Albert Einstein

Men make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.

— Anonymous

You know it’s love when you want to keep holding hands even after you’re sweaty.

— Anonymous

The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.”

— Anonymous

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.

— Anonymous

Marriage is like jogging through a puddle of industrial strength rubber glue. You can work hard and make it through the struggles; however, you usually leave your bobby socks and sneakers behind along the way.

— Anonymous

When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires.

— Anonymous

Men only have two faults….What they do, and what they say!

— Anonymous

You can’t buy love on eBay.

— Anonymous

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

— Bette Midler

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.

— Brendan Francis

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.

— Cathy Carlyle

Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.

— Cecilia Egan

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him.

— Cher

Men aren’t necessities, they’re luxuries.

— Cher

By the time you swear you’re his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is infinite, undying –
Lady, make note of this: One of you is lying.

— Dorothy Parker

I’m always looking for meaningful one night stands.

— Dudley Moore

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

— Erma Bombeck

Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. It’s a drug. It distorts reality, and that’s the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.

— Fran Lebowitz

It is impossible to love and be wise.

— Francis Bacon

Marriage marks the end of many short follies – being one long stupidity.

— Friedrich Nietzsche

Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery.

— Fulton J. Sheen

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

— George Carlin

Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one.

— Glenn Beck

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.

— Groucho Marx

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

— Henry Kissinger

When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you.

And she never did.

— James Fineous McBride

Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.

— Jean Kerr

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.

— Joan Crawford

It’s been so long since I made love,
I can’t even remember who gets tied up.

— Joan Rivers

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

— Joan Rivers

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip.

— Jonathan Carroll

No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn’t take the first pill that comes along.

— Joyce Brothers

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.

— Katharine Hepburn

True love is like seeing ghosts; we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one.

— La Rochefoucauld

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.

— Lily Tomlin

The only people who make love all the time are liars.

— Louis Jordan

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby…

— Natalie Wood

Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman.

— Oscar Wilde

Love is a grave mental disease.

— Plato

Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?

— Rita Rudner

All marriages are happy. It’s trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems.

— Shelley Winters

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

— Steve Martin

A love without indiscretion is no lover at all.

— Thomas Hardy

Marriage is a great institution for those who like institutions.

— Tommy Dewar

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.

— W. Somerset Maugham

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

— Walt Disney

Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

— Woody Allen

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty…

— Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.

— Woody Allen

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
— Helen Rowland

Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.
— Albert Einstein

To be in love is merely to be in a state of perpetual anesthesia – to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.
— H.L. Mencken

Love is the gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everyone else.
— George Bernard Shaw

The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.
— George Bernard Shaw

The only true love is love at first sight; second sight dispels it.
— Israel Zangwill

To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.
— Bertrand Russell

Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
— Jerome K. Jerome

Love is like any other luxury. You have no right to it unless you can afford it.
— Anthony Trollope

Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it, let’s fall in love.
— Cole Porter

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. (Charlie Brown)
— Charles Schulz

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.”
— Charles Schulz

What the world really needs is more love and less paper work.
— Pearl Bailey

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
— John Barrymore

Love ceases to be a pleasure, when it ceases to be a secret.
— Aphra Behn

I don’t trust or love anyone. Because people are so creepy. Creepy creepy creeps. Creeping around. Creeping here and creeping there. Creeping everywhere. Crippity crappity creepies.
— Vincent Gallo

True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
— Erich Segal

The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M.
— Charles Pierce

Love lasteth as long as the money endureth.
— William Caxton

That love at first sight should happen to me, was Life’s most delicious revenge on a self-opinionated fool.
— Charles Boyer

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
— Lily Tomlin

A proof that experience is of no use, is that the end of one love does not prevent us from beginning another.
— Paul Bourget

Never go to bed mad — stay up and fight.
— Phyllis Diller

Once you have loved someone, you’d do anything in the world for them… except love them again.
— Anonymous

Love is like war: Easy to begin but hard to end.
— Anonymous

Love has the power of making you believe what you would normally treat with the deepest suspicion.
— Mirabeau

Three things can’t be hidden: coughing, poverty, and love.
— Yiddish proverb

I detest ‘love lyrics.’ I think one of the causes of bad mental health in the United States is that people have been raised on ‘love lyrics.”
— Frank Zappa

I should like to see any kind of a man, distinguishable from a gorilla, that some good and even pretty woman could not shape a husband out of.
— Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

A woman might as well propose: her husband will claim she did.
— Edgar Watson Howe

An old man who marries a young wife grows younger – but she grows older.
— folk saying

It is not uncommon for slight acquaintances to get married, but a couple really have to know each other to get divorced.
— Anonymous

What female heart can despise gold?
— Thomas Gray

A lady of 47 who has been married 27 years and has six children knows what love really is and once described it for me like this: ‘Love is what you’ve been through with somebody.’
— James Thurber

I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
— Rita Rudner

Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away.
— Dorothy Parker

Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for.
— Mae West

It does not matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you do not do it in the street and frighten the horses.
— Mrs. Patrick Campbell

A happy home is one in which each spouse grants the possibility that the other may be right, though neither believes it.
— Don Fraser

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
— unknown

There are three kinds of men who do not understand women: Young, old, and middle-aged.
— Anonymous (and with good reason)

Women like me because I make them laugh. And what is an orgasm, except laughter of the loins?
— Mickey Rooney

There will be sex after death, we just won’t be able to feel it.
— Lily Tomlin

A bride at her second wedding does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting.
— Helen Rowland

Marriage is a fine institution – but I’m not ready for an institution.
— Mae West

My heart’s in the right place. I know, ‘cuz I hid it there.
— Carrie Fisher

My wife and I have sex almost every day of the week,” Milton Berle once said. “Yes, almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday.”
— Milton Berle

If you do kiss a politician, remember this: You are not only kissing him, you are kissing every butt that he has kissed in the last eight years.
— Jay Leno

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you’re getting this down.
— Woody Allen, Love and Death

We cannot really love anybody without whom we never laugh.
— Alice Reppler

The sincerest love is the love of food.
— Bernard Shaw

Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can’t help but smile on it.
— Josh Billings

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
— Unknown

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener!
— Unknown

The great question… which I have not been able to
answer… is, “What  ..does a woman want?”
— Freud

Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late.”
— Anonymous

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
— David Bissonette

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him
— Unknown
(I actually use this principle! HAHAHA! – PurpleRose)

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
— Ambrose Bierce

Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law
— Anonymous

Man is better off than woman; he marries later and dies sooner.
— Anonymous

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
— Anonymous

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.
– Anonymous

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
-Oscar Wilde

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
— Zsa Zsa Gabor

My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met.
–Rodney Dangerfield

The most happy marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.
— Coleridge

One good husband is worth two good wives; for the scarcer things are, the more they are valued.
— Benjamin Franklin

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
— Henry Youngman

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
— Phyllis Diller

Arguments are unsafe with wives, because they examine them; but they do not examine compliments. One can pass upon a wife a compliment that is three-fourths base metal; she will not even bite it to see if it is good; all she notices is the size of it, not the quality.
— Hellfire Hotchkiss

All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage.
— Lord Byron

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
— Jimmy Durante

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
— Anonymous

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
— Jim Backus

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.”
— George Burns

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close knit family in another city.”
— George Burns

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.
— Patrick Murray.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.”
— Anonymous

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday
is to forget it once!
— Woody Allen

Yawn – Nature’s way of letting married men open their mouths.
— Anon

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
— Anonymous

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
— Anonymous

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence!
— Anonymous

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
— Milton Berle

A wife is  someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.
— Unknown

I think… therefore I’m single.
— Anonymous

Collection: FREEDOM Quotes

Albert Einstein:

All religions, arts and sciences are branches of the same tree. All these aspirations are directed toward ennobling man’s life, lifting it from the sphere of mere physical existence and leading the individual towards freedom.

Aldous Huxley:

Your true traveller finds boredom rather agreeable than painful. It is the symbol of his liberty – his excessive freedom. He accepts his boredom, when it comes, not merely philosophically, but almost with pleasure.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh:

Him that I love, I wish to be free — even from me.

Barbara Ehrenreich:

That’s free enterprise, friends: freedom to gamble, freedom to lose. And the great thing — the truly democratic thing about it — is that you don’t even have to be a player to lose.

Benjamin Franklin:

They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security

C. Wright Mills:

Freedom is not merely the opportunity to do as one pleases; neither is it merely the opportunity to choose between set alternatives. Freedom is, first of all, the chance to formulate the available choices, to argue over them — and then, the opportunity to choose.

Carl Shurz:

If you want to be free, there is but one way; it is to guarantee an equally full measure of liberty to all your neighbors. There is no other.

Charlie Daniels:

A brief candle; both ends burning
An endless mile; a bus wheel turning
A friend to share the lonesome times
A handshake and a sip of wine
So say it loud and let it ring
We are all a part of everything
The future, present and the past
Fly on proud bird
You’re free at last.

written en route to the funeral for his friend, Ronnie Van Zant of the band, Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Clarence Darrow:

You can only protect your liberties in this world by protecting the other man’s freedom. You can only be free if I am free.

Dorothy Thompson:

When liberty is taken away by force it can be restored by force. When it is relinquished voluntarily by default it can never be recovered.

Of all forms of government and society, those of free men and women are in many respects the most brittle. They give the fullest freedom for activities of private persons and groups who often identify their own interests, essentially selfish, with the general welfare.

It is not the fact of liberty but the way in which liberty is exercised that ultimately determines whether liberty itself survives.

Dwight D. Eisenhower:

We seek peace, knowing that peace is the climate of freedom.

Edward R. Murrow:

We cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home.

Eleanor Holmes Norton:

The only way to make sure people you agree with can speak is to support the rights of people you don’t agree with.

Epictetus:

We must not believe the many, who say that only free people ought to be educated, but we should rather believe the philosophers who say that only the educated are free.

Discourses

Erich Fromm:

Human history begins with man’s act of disobedience which is at the very same time the beginning of his freedom and development of his reason.

Eugene V. Debs:

Years ago I recognized my kinship with all living things, and I made up my mind that I was not one bit better than the meanest on the earth. I said then and I say now, that while there is a lower class, I am in it; while there is a criminal element, I am of it; while there is a soul in prison, I am not free.

Florynce Kennedy:

Freedom is like taking a bath — you have to keep doing it every day!

Franklin Delano Roosevelt:

The only sure bulwark of continuing liberty is a government strong enough to protect the interests of the people, and a people strong enough and well enough informed to maintain its sovereign control over the government.

True individual freedom cannot exist without economic security and independence.

Frederick Douglass:

Who would be free themselves must strike the blow. Better even to die free than to live slaves.

Those who profess to favor freedom and yet depreciate agitation, are people who want crops without ploughing the ground; they want rain without thunder and lightning; they want the ocean without the roar of its many waters. The struggle may be a moral one, or it may be a physical one, or it may be both. But it must be a struggle. Power concedes nothing without a demand; it never has and it never will.

Goethe:

None are so hopelessly enslaved as those who falsely believe they are free.

H. L. Mencken:

I believe that liberty is the only genuinely valuable thing that men have invented, at least in the field of government, in a thousand years. I believe that it is better to be free than to be not free, even when the former is dangerous and the latter safe. I believe that the finest qualities of man can flourish only in free air – that progress made under the shadow of the policeman’s club is false progress, and of no permanent value. I believe that any man who takes the liberty of another into his keeping is bound to become a tyrant, and that any man who yields up his liberty, in however slight the measure, is bound to become a slave.

The average man does not want to be free. He simply wants to be safe.

Henri-Frédéric Amiel:

Liberty, equality – bad principles! The only true principle for humanity is justice; and justice to the feeble is protection and kindness.

Henry David Thoreau:

Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a just man is also a prison.

Gardening is civil and social, but it wants the vigor and freedom of the forest and the outlaw.

Hodding Carter:

There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One is roots; the other, wings.

Hubert Humphrey:

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

James Baldwin:

Freedom is not something that anybody can be given. Freedom is something people take, and people are as free as they want to be.

Jean-Paul Sartre:

Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you.

Jesse Jackson:

No one should negotiate their dreams. Dreams must be free to flee and fly high. No government, no legislature, has a right to limit your dreams. You should never agree to surrender your dreams.

John Adams:

There is danger from all men. The only maxim of a free government ought to be to trust no man living with power to endanger the public liberty.

John Dewey:

The only freedom that is of enduring importance is the freedom of intelligence, that is to say, freedom of observation and of judgment, exercised in behalf of purposes that are intrinsically worth while. The commonest mistake made about freedom is, I think, to identify it with freedom of movement, or, with the external or physical side of activity.

John F. Kennedy:

We are not afraid to entrust the American people with unpleasant facts, foreign ideas, alien philosophies, and competitive values. For a nation that is afraid to let its people judge the truth and falsehood in an open market is a nation that is afraid of its people.

The wave of the future is not the conquest of the world by a single dogmatic creed but the liberation of the diverse energies of free nations and free men.

Liberty without learning is always in peril and learning without liberty is always in vain.

John Lewis:

We live in a country where we’re supposed to have freedom of the press and religious freedom, but I think to some degree, there’s a sense of fear in America today, that if you say the wrong thing, what some people will consider what is wrong, if you step out of line, if you dissent, whether you be an entertainer, that somehow and some way this government or the forces to be will come down on you.

John P. Zenger:

No nation ancient or modern ever lost the liberty of freely speaking, writing, or publishing their sentiments, but forthwith lost their liberty in general and became slaves.

John Philpot Curran:

It is the common fate of the indolent to see their rights become a prey to the active. The condition upon which God hath given liberty to man is eternal vigilance; which condition if he break, servitude is at once the consequence of his crime and the punishment of his guilt. (1790)

John Stuart Mill:

The only part of the conduct of anyone for which he is amenable to society is that which concerns others. In the part which merely concerns himself, his independence is, of right, absolute. Over himself, over his own body and mind, the individual is sovereign.

The sole end for which mankind are warranted, individually or collectively, in interfering with the liberty of action of any of their number, is self-protection. That the only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a civilised community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others. His own good, either physical or moral, is not sufficient warrant. He cannot rightfully be compelled to do or forbear because it will be better for him to do so, because it will make him happier, because, in the opinion of others, to do so would be wise, or even right… The only part of the conduct of anyone, for which he is amenable to society, is that which concerns others. In the part which merely concerns himself, his independence is, of right, absolute. Over himself, over his own body and mind, the individual is sovereign.

Leonid Brezhnev:

The trouble with free elections is, you never know who is going to win.

Lillian Hellman:

For every man who lives without freedom, the rest of us must face the guilt.

Margaret Sanger:

A free race cannot be born of slave mothers.

Marianne Williamson:

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach:

As far as your self-control goes, as far goes your freedom.

Marilyn Ferguson:

Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom.

Mark Twain:

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have these three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence to practice neither.

Mohandas K. Gandhi:

Freedom is not worth having if it does not connote freedom to err.

Molly Ivins:

It is possible to read the history of this country as one long struggle to extend the liberties established in our Constitution to everyone in America.

Noam Chomsky:

For those who stubbornly seek freedom, there can be no more urgent task than to come to understand the mechanisms and practices of indoctrination. These are easy to perceive in the totalitarian societies, much less so in the system of ‘brainwashing under freedom’ to which we are subjected and which all too often we sere as willing or unwitting instruments.”

If we do not believe in freedom of speech for those we despise we do not believe in it at all.

In this possibly terminal phase of human existence, democracy and freedom are more than just ideals to be valued – they may be essential to survival.

Norman Thomas:

After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the cost to others, to win advancement.

Patrick Henry:

Is life so dear or peace so sweet as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death!

Pearl S. Buck:

None who have always been free can understand the terrible fascinating power of the hope of freedom to those who are not free.

Peyton Conway March:

There is a wonderful mythical law of nature that the three things we crave most in life — happiness, freedom, and peace of mind — are always attained by giving them to someone else.

Rabbi Sherwin Wine:

There are two visions of America. One precedes our founding fathers and finds its roots in the harshness of our puritan past. It is very suspicious of freedom, uncomfortable with diversity, hostile to science, unfriendly to reason, contemptuous of personal autonomy. It sees America as a religious nation. It views patriotism as allegiance to God. It secretly adores coercion and conformity. Despite our constitution, despite the legacy of the Enlightenment, it appeals to millions of Americans and threatens our freedom.

The other vision finds its roots in the spirit of our founding revolution and in the leaders of this nation who embraced the age of reason. It loves freedom, encourages diversity, embraces science and affirms the dignity and rights of every individual. It sees America as a moral nation, neither completely religious nor completely secular. It defines patriotism as love of country and of the people who make it strong. It defends all citizens against unjust coercion and irrational conformity.

This second vision is our vision. It is the vision of a free society. We must be bold enough to proclaim it and strong enough to defend it against all its enemies.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:

For what avail the plough or sail,
Or land or life, if freedom fail?

“Boston” Stanza 15

Ramsey Clark:

A right is not what someone gives you; it’s what no one can take from you.

Robert Frost:

Freedom lies in being bold.

Rosa Luxemburg:

Without general elections, without unrestricted freedom of press and assembly, without a free struggle of opinion, life dies out in every public institution, becomes a mere semblance of life, in which only the bureaucracy remains as the active element.

Freedom is always and exclusively freedom for the one who thinks differently.

Sam Adams:

It is no dishonor to be in a minority in the cause of liberty and virtue.

If ye love wealth greater than liberty, the tranquility of servitude greater than the animating contest for freedom, go home from us in peace. We seek not your counsel, nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you; and may posterity forget that ye were our countrymen.

Simone Weil:

Liberty, taking the word in its concrete sense, consists in the ability to choose.

Somerset Maugham:

If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money that it values more, it will lose that too.

Soren Kierkegaard:

People hardly ever make use of the freedom they have. For example, the freedom of thought. Instead they demand freedom of speech as a compensation.

Thomas Jefferson:

A democracy is nothing more than mob rule, where fifty-one percent of the people may take away the rights of the other forty-nine.

No man has a natural right to commit aggression on the equal rights of another, and this is all from which the laws ought to restrain him.

A wise and frugal government, which shall leave men free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor and bread it has earned — this is the sum of good government.

I have no fear that the result of our experiment will be that men may be trusted to govern themselves without a master.

I never submitted the whole system of my opinions to the creed of any party of men whatever, in religion, in philosophy, in politics or in anything else, where I was capable of thinking for myself. Such an addiction is the last degradation of a free and moral agent. If I could not go to Heaven but with a party, I would not go there at all.

Unknown:

[C]reative ability and personal responsibility are strongest when the mind is free from supernatural belief and operates in an atmosphere of freedom and democracy.

Victor Frankl:

Everything can be taken from a man but … the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

Virginia Woolf:

To enjoy freedom, if the platitude is pardonable, we have of course to control ourselves. We must not squander our powers, helplessly and ignorantly, squirting half the house in order to water a single rose-bush; we must train them, exactly and powerfully, here on the very spot.

The history of men’s opposition to women’s emancipation is more interesting perhaps than the story of that emancipation itself.

Voltaire:

So long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those who wish to tyrannize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.

Wendell Phillips:

Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty.

-frequently misattributed to Thomas Jefferson

Wendy Kaminer:

Patriotism does not oblige us to acquiesce in the destruction of liberty. Patriotism obliges us to question it, at least. [source]

William O. Douglas:

Restriction of free thought and free speech is the most dangerous of all subversions. It is the one un-American act that could most easily defeat us.

Source: http://www.wisdomquotes.com/cat_freedom.html

Funny Computer and Geek Jokes

  • There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t
  • If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0
  • I’m not anti-social; I’m just not user friendly
  • My software never has bugs. It just develops random features
  • Roses are #FF0000 , Violets are #0000FF , All my base belongs to you
  • In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
  • Hand over the calculator, friends don’t let friends derive drunk
  • I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code
  • Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…
  • The box said ‘Requires Windows 95 or better’. So I installed LINUX
  • A penny saved is 1.39 cents earned, if you consider income tax
  • Unix, DOS and Windows…the good, the bad and the ugly
  • A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila
  • The code that is the hardest to debug is the code that you know cannot possibly be wrong
  • UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity
  • Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
  • C://dos
    C://dos.run
    run.dos.run
  • You know it’s love when you memorize her IP number to skip DNS overhead
  • JUST SHUT UP AND REBOOT!!
  • 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
  • Alcohol & calculus don’t mix. Never drink & derive
  • How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  • There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer
  • Concept: On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape button
  • It’s not bogus, it’s an IBM standard
  • Be nice to the nerds, for all you know they might be the next Bill Gates!
  • The farther south you go, the more dollar stores there are
  • Beware of programmers that carry screwdrivers
  • The difference between e-mail and regular mail is that computers handle e-mail, and computers never decide to come to work one day and shoot all the other computers
  • If you want a language that tries to lock up all the sharp objects and fire-making implements, use Pascal or Ada: the Nerf languages, harmless fun for children of all ages, and they won’t mar the furniture
  • COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key
  • Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning
  • LISP = Lots of Irritating Silly Parentheses
  • The beginning of the programmer’s wisdom is understanding the difference between getting program to run and having a runnable program
  • Squash one bug, you’ll see ten new bugs popping
  • Everytime i time i touch my code, i give birth to ten new bugs
  • boast = blogging is open & amiable sharing of thoughts
  • We are sorry, but the number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again
  • Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted
  • If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBO
  • Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner
  • Bad or corrupt header, go get a haircut
  • Unrecognized input, get out of the class
  • Warning! Buffer overflow, close the tumbler !
  • WinErr 547: LPT1 not found… Use backup… PENCIL & PAPER
  • Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
  • Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes
  • Best file compression around: “rm *.*” = 100% compression
  • Hackers in hollywood movies are phenomenal. All they need to do is “c:\> hack into fbi”
  • BREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding
  • I survived an NT installation
  • The name is Baud……James Baud
  • My new car runs at 56Kbps
  • Why doesn’t DOS ever say “EXCELLENT command or filename!”
  • File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
  • Cannot read data, leech the next boy’s paper? (Y/N)
  • CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
  • Does fuzzy logic tickle?
  • Helpdesk : Sir, you need to add 10GB space to your HD , Customer : Could you please tell where I can download that?
  • Windows: Just another pane in the glass
  • Who’s General Failure & why’s he reading my disk?
  • RAM disk is not an installation procedure
  • Shell to DOS…Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS…
  • The truth is out there…anybody got the URL?
  • Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…..
  • E-mail returned to sender — insufficient voltage
  • Help! I’m modeming… and I can’t hang up!!!
  • All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
  • Once I got this error on my Linux box: Error. Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue
  • Once I got this error on my Linux box: Error. Mouse not attached. Please left click the ‘OK’ button to continue
  • Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…
  • Press every key to continue
  • Helpdesk: Sir if you see the blue screen, press any key to continue. Customer : hm.. just a min.. where’s that ‘any key’..
  • Idiot, Go ahead, make my data!
  • Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources
  • To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so
  • (001) Logical Error CLINTON.SYS: Truth table missing
  • Clinton:/> READ | PARSE | WRITE | DUMP >> MONKIA.SYS
  • (D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
  • Computers can never replace human stupidity
  • A typical Yahoo! inbox : Inbox(0), Junk(9855210)
  • (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic?
  • Bugs come in through open Windows
  • Penguins love cold, they wont survive the sun
  • Unix is user friendly…its just selective about who its friends are
  • Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity
  • Bell Labs Unix — Reach out and grep someone.
  • To err is human…to really foul up requires the root password.
  • Invalid password : Please enter the correct password to (Abort / Retry / Ignore )
  • FUBAR – where Geeks go for a drink
  • I degaussed my girlfriend and I’m just not attracted to her anymore
  • Scandisk : Found 2 bad sectors. Please enter a new HD to continue scanning
  • Black holes are where God divided by zero
  • Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
  • Thank god, my baby just compiled
  • Yes! My code compiled, and my wife just produced the output
  • Windows 98 supports real multitasking – it can boot and crash simultaneously
  • Zap! And there was the blue screen !
  • Please send all spam to my main address, root@localhost 🙂
  • MailerD(a)emon: You just received 9133547 spam. (O)pen all, (R)ead one by one, (C)heck for more spam
  • A: Can you teach me how to use a computer? B: No. I just fix the machines, I don’t use them
  • PayPal: Your funds have been frozen for 668974 days
  • 1-800-404 : The subscriber you are trying to call does not exist
  • 1-800-403 : Access to that subscriber was denied
  • Error message: “Out of paper on drive D:”
  • If I wanted a warm fuzzy feeling, I’d antialias my graphics!
  • A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
  • “Mr. Worf, scan that ship.” “Aye Captain. 300 dpi?”
  • Smith & Wesson: The Original Point And Click Interface
  • Shout onto a newsgroup : It echoes back flames and spam
  • Firewall : Intruder detected. (A)llow in (D)eactivate the firewall
  • Real programmers can write assembly code in any language
  • Warning! Perl script detected! (K)ill it , (D)eactivate it
  • Firewall : Do you want to place a motion detector on port 80 ?
  • Helpdesk: Sir, please refill your ink catridges Customer : Where can i download that?
  • All computers run at the same speed… with the power off
  • You have successfully logged in, Now press any key to log out
  • Sorry, the password you tried is already being used by Dorthy, please try something else.
  • Sorry, that username already exists. (O)verwrite it (C)ancel
  • Please send all flames, trolls, and complaints to /dev/toilet
  • Shut up, or i’ll flush you out
  • Cron : Enter cron command \ Now enter the number of minutes in an hour
  • We are experiencing system trouble — do not adjust your terminal
  • You have successfully hacked in, Welcome to the FBI mainframes.
  • I’m sorry, our software is perfect. The problem must be you
  • Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway
  • Webhost livehelp: Sir you ran out of bandwidth, User: Where can I download that?
  • If Ruby is not and Perl is the answer, you don’t understand the question
  • Having soundcards is nice… having embedded sound in web pages is not
  • My computer was full, so I deleted everything on the right half
  • You have received a new mail which is 195537 hours old
  • Yahoo! Mail: Your email was sent successfully. The email will delivered in 4 days and 8 hours
  • I’m sorry for the double slash (Tim Berners-Lee in a Panel Discussion, WWW7, Brisbane, 1998)
  • Ah, young webmaster… java leads to shockwave. Shockwave leads to realaudio. And realaudio leads to suffering
  • What color do you want that database?
  • C++ is a write-only language, once can write programs in C++, but I can’t read any of them
  • As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code
  • earth is 98% full … please delete anyone you can
  • A typical yahoo chat room: “A has signed in, A has signed out, B has signed in, B has signed out, C has signed in, C has signed out..”
  • When someone says “I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done,” give him a lollipop
  • Warning! No processor found! Press any key to continue
  • Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product
  • NT is the only OS that has caused me to beat a piece of hardware to death with my bare hands
  • Warning! Kernel crashed, Run for your lives !
  • NASA uses Windows? Oh great. If Apollo 13 went off course today the manual would just tell them to open the airlock, flush the astronauts out, and re-install new one
  • JavaScript: An authorizing language designed to make Netscape crash
  • How’s my programming? Call 1-800-DEV-NULL
  • Yes, friends and neighbors, boys and girls – my PC speaker crashed NT
  • root:> Sorry, you entered the wrong password, the correct password is ‘a_49qwXk’
  • New linux package released. Please install on /dev/null
  • Quake and uptime do not like each other
  • Unix…best if used before: Tue Jan 19 03:14:08 GMT 2038
  • As you well know, magic and weapons are prohibited inside the cafeteria — Final Fantasy VIII
  • Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft…and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labo
  • Unix is the only virus with a command line interface
  • Windows 95 makes Unix look like an operating system
  • How are we supposed to hack your system if it’s always down!
  • God is real, unless declared integer
  • I’m tempted to buy the slashdot staff a grammar checker. What do they do for 40 hours a week?
  • Paypal : Please enter your credit card number to continue
  • It takes a million monkeys at typewriters to write Shakespeare, but only a dozen monkeys at computers to run Network Solutions
  • Please help – firewall burnt down – lost packet – reward $$$
  • If Linux were a beer, it would be shipped in open barrels so that anybody could piss in it before delivery
  • Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle
  • Perl, the only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption
  • Norton: Incoming virus – (D)ownload and save (R)un after download
  • I had a dream… and there were 1’s and 0’s everywhere, and I think I saw a 2!
  • You sir, are an unknown USB device driver
  • C isn’t that hard: void (*(*f[])())() defines f as an array of unspecified size, of pointers to functions that return pointers to functions that return void

Source: http://www.kailashnadh.name/docs/geek_jokes/

Qoutes About Jesus Christ

zwani.com myspace graphic comments

“The Christian is not one who has gone all the way with Christ. None of us has. The Christian is one who has found the right road.”
– Allen, Charles L.

“Jesus whom I know as my Redeemer cannot be less than God.”
– Athanasius, St.

“Thinking as I do that the Creator of this world is a very cruel being, and being a worshipper of Christ, I cannot help saying: the Son, O how unlike the Father! First God Almighty comes with a thump on the head. Then Jesus Christ comes with a balm to heal it.”
– Blake, William

“Alexander, Caesar, Charlemagne, and myself founded empires; but what foundation did we rest the creations of our genius? Upon force. Jesus Christ founded an empire upon love; and at this hour millions of men would die for Him.”
– Bonaparte, Napoleon

“Jesus Christ, the condescension of divinity, and the exaltation of humanity.”
– Brooks, Phillips

“A lot of people say to me, Why did you kill Christ? I dunno… it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know. We killed him because he didn’t want to become a doctor, that’s why we killed him.”
– Bruce, Lenny

“In every pang that rends the heart the Man of Sorrows has a part.”
– Bruce, Michael

“I love to hear my Lord spoken of, and wherever I have seen the print of His shoe in the earth, there have I coveted to put mine also.”
– Bunyan, John

“Each eye can have its vision separately; but when we are looking at anything our vision, which in itself is divided, joins up and unites in order to give itself as a whole to the object that is put before it.”
– Calvin, John

“None speak of the bravery, the might, or the intellect of Jesus; but the devil is always imagined as a being of acute intellect, political cunning, and the fiercest courage. These universal and instinctive tendencies of the human mind reveal much.”
– Child, Lydia M.

“The Lord has turned all our sunsets into sunrise.”
– Clement of Alexandria

“The blood of Jesus Christ can cover a multitude of sins, it seems to me.”
– Diderot, Denis

“The most pressing question on the problem of faith is whether a man as a civilized being can believe in the divinity of the Son of God, Jesus Christ, for therein rests the whole of our faith.”
– Dostoevsky, Fyodor

“To become Christ-like is the only thing in the whole world worth caring for, the thing before which every ambition of man is folly and all lower achievement vain.”
– Drummond, Henry

“By a Carpenter mankind was made, and only by that Carpenter can mankind be remade.”
– Erasmus, Desiderius

“Above all the grace and the gifts that Christ gives to his beloved is that of overcoming self.”
– Francis of Assisi, St.

“A man who was completely innocent, offered himself as a sacrifice for the good of others, including his enemies, and became the ransom of the world. It was a perfect act.”
– Gandhi, Mahatma

“Jesus was the first socialist, the first to seek a better life for mankind.”
– Gorbachev, Mikhail

“The men who followed Him were unique in their generation. They turned the world upside down because their hearts had been turned right side up. The world has never been the same.”
– Graham, Billy

“No man ever loved like Jesus. He taught the blind to see and the dumb to speak. He died on the cross to save us. He bore our sins. And now God says, Because He did, I can forgive you.”
– Graham, Billy

“Jesus Christ is God’s everything for man’s total need.”
– Halverson, Richard

“Jesus Christ turns life right-side-up, and heaven outside-in.”
– Henry, Carl F. H.

“I wouldn’t put it past God to arrange a virgin birth if He wanted, but I very much doubt if He would.”
– Jenkins, David

“He comes into the world God knows how, walks on the water, gets out of his grave and goes up off the Hill of Howth. What drivel is this?”
– Joyce, James

“No one else holds or has held the place in the heart of the world which Jesus holds. Other gods have been as devoutly worshipped; no other man has been so devoutly loved.”
– Knox, John

“All that I am I owe to Jesus Christ, revealed to me in His divine Book.”
– Livingstone, David

“You should point to the whole man Jesus and say, That is God.”
– Luther, Martin

“Jesus says, I love you just the way you are. And I love you too much to let you stay the way you are.”
– Lyons, Chris

“We believe that the history of the world is but the history of His influence and that the center of the whole universe is the cross of Calvary.”
– Maclaren, Alexander

“The greatest thing about any civilization is the human person, and the greatest thing about this person is the possibility of his encounter with the person of Jesus Christ.”
– Malik, Charles

“Jesus promised His disciples three things: that they would be entirely fearless, absurdly happy, and that they would get into trouble.”
– Maltby, W. Russell

“I believe in person to person. Every person is Christ for me, and since there is only one Jesus, that person is the one person in the world at that moment.”
– Mother Teresa

“There is but one love of Jesus, as there is but one person in the poor — Jesus. We take vows of chastity to love Christ with undivided love; to be able to love him with undivided love we take a vow of poverty which frees us from all material possessions, and with that freedom we can love him with undivided love, and from this vow of undivided love we surrender ourselves totally to him in the person who takes his place.”
– Mother Teresa

“The word Christianity is already a misunderstanding — in reality there has been only one Christian, and he died on the Cross.”
– Nietzsche, Friedrich

“Jesus was a brilliant Jewish stand-up comedian, a phenomenal improviser. His parables are great one-liners.”
– Paglia, Camille

“Only Christ could have conceived Christ.”
– Parker, Joseph

“Jesus is the God whom we can approach without pride and before whom we can humble ourselves without despair.”
– Pascal, Blaise

“God speaks to me not through the thunder and the earthquake, nor through the ocean and the stars, but through the Son of Man, and speaks in a language adapted to my imperfect sight and hearing.”
– Phelps, William Lyon

“A heroic figure… not wholly to blame for the religion that’s been foisted on him.”
– Pound, Ezra

“Let us pardon him his hope of a vain apocalypse, and of a second coming in great triumph upon the clouds of heaven. Perhaps these were the errors of others rather than his own; and if it be true that he himself shared the general illusion, what matters it, since his dream rendered him strong against death, and sustained him in a struggle to which he might otherwise have been unequal?”
– Renan, Ernest

“Never has any one been less a priest than Jesus, never a greater enemy of forms, which stifle religion under the pretext of protecting it. By this we are all his disciples and his successors; by this he has laid the eternal foundation-stone of true religion; and if religion is essential to humanity, he has by this deserved the Divine rank the world has accorded him.”
– Renan, Ernest

“Two thousand years ago there was One here on this earth who lived the grandest life that ever has been lived yet–a life that every thinking man, with deeper or shallower meaning, has agreed to call divine.”
– Robertson, Frederick W.

“The Galilean is not a favorite of mine. So far from owing him any thanks for his favor, I cannot avoid confessing that I owe a secret grudge to his carpentership.”
– Shelley, Percy Bysshe

“The name of Jesus is as ointment poured forth; It nourishes, and illumines, and stills the anguish of the soul.”
– Silesius, Angelus

“I am pretty sure that we err in treating these sayings as paradoxes. It would be nearer the truth to say that it is life itself which is paradoxical and that the sayings of Jesus are simply a recognition of that fact.”
– Taylor, Thomas

“Christianity takes for granted the absence of any self-help and offers a power which is nothing less than the power of God.”
– Tozer, A. W.

“I thank God for the honesty and virility of Jesus religion which makes us face the facts and calls us to take a man’s part in the real battle of life.”
– Dyke, Henry Van

“Somewhere in the bible it say Jesus hair was like lamb’s wool, I say. Well, say Shug, if he came to any of these churches we talking bout he’d have to have it conked before anybody paid him any attention. The last thing niggers want to think about they God is that his hair kinky.”
– Walker, Alice

“Every time that I think of the crucifixion of Christ, I commit the sin of envy.”
– Weil, Simone

Source: http://www.quotationsbook.com/

Funny Work Quotes

HAM AND EGGS – A day’s work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
More funny Anonymous quotes

***Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
More funny Edgar Bergen quotes

***Conway’s Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on – This person must be fired.
More funny Anonymous quotes

***Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.
More funny Robert Orben quotes

***Satisfaction Guaranteed or Double Your Garbage Back.
More funny Garbage Truck quotes

***Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell ’em, “Certainly, I can!” Then get busy and find out how to do it.
More funny Theodore Roosevelt quotes

***Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
More funny Anonymous quotes

***I am a friend of the workingman, I would rather be his friend than be one.
More funny Clarence Darrow quotes

***The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit.
More funny Dwight Morrow quotes

***The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.
More funny Bove’s Theorem quotes

***If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
More funny Cannon’s Law quotes

***No project was ever completed on time and within budget.
More funny Cheops Law quotes

***People are always available for work in the past tense.
More funny Zymurgy’s Law of Volunteer Labour quotes

***If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.
More funny Lane Kirkland quotes

***We’re not Prince Charles and Princess Di. We don’t think of ourselves as royalty. We happen to be working people.
More funny Christie Brinkley quotes

***In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse. – Archie Bunker
More funny Carroll O’Connor quotes

***Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
More funny Oscar Wilde quotes

***An ant on the move does more than a dozing ox.
More funny Lao Tzu quotes

***One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.
More funny Bertrand Russell quotes

***I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
More funny Jerome K. Jerome quotes

***The reward for work well done is the opportunity to do more.
More funny Jonas Salk quotes

***I make a lot of money, but I don’t want to talk about that. I work very hard and I’m worth every cent.
More funny Naomi Campbell quotes

***A bum asked me “Give me $10 till payday.” I asked “When’s payday?” He said “I don’t know, you’re the one who is working!”
More funny Henny Youngman quotes

***I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.
More funny Henny Youngman quotes

***I don’t know Laura Bush. But she seems to be calm, and she has a sparkle in her eye, which is good. But I don’t know that she’s ever had a real job – I mean, since she’s been grown up.
More funny Teresa Heinz Kerry quotes

***I didn’t have to work till I was three. But after that, I never stopped.
More funny Martha Raye quotes

***Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy.
More funny Huey Long quotes

***Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. (Charlie McCarthy)
More funny Charlie McCarthy quotes

***If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.
More funny Claude McDonald quotes

***People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The trouble is they want a week’s pay for it.
More funny Joey Adams quotes

***So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said ‘You’ve been promoted.’ And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said “You’ve been promoted again.’ And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.’ And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’ And I said ‘I careered off the road.
More funny Tim Vine quotes

***Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.
More funny John Ciardi quotes

***Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is the probable reason why so few engage in it.
More funny Henry Ford quotes

***Working gets in the way of living.
More funny Omar Sharif quotes

***Why is it men are permitted to be obsessed about their work, but women are only permitted to be obsessed about men?
More funny Barbra Streisand quotes

***I mean what good does it do anyone to kill themselves working, because the worms will get you in the end.
More funny Dorothy Gish quotes

***What do hookers do on their nights off—type?
More funny Elayne Boosler quotes

***Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
More funny William Archibald Spooner quotes

***I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
More funny Charles Lamb quotes

***The harder I work the luckier I get.
More funny Samuel Goldwyn quotes

Source: http://www.basicjokes.com/

“FRIEND” Jokes

Train Tickets
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked an accountant.”Watch and you’ll see”, answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, “Ticket, please”. The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea.

So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to ride without a ticket”? said one perplexed accountant.”Watch and you’ll see”, answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said, “Ticket, please”.

Source: http://www.friendshipday.org/jokes-for-friends.html

Money, money, money

It can buy a House
But not a Home
It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock
But not Time
It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine
But not Health
It can buy you Blood
But not Life
So you see, Money isn’t everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering…

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
A more true Friend you will never find 🙂

Do your homework – step by step

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
4. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn’t started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
7. You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You’d better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that’s it– I mean it! As soon as it’s over you are going to start that paper.
10. Listen to the other side.
11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
12. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he’s started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.
13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren’t missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile.
16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
19. Look through your roommate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.
24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
25. Lie face down on the floor and scream at the top of your lungs.
26. Leap up and write the paper.
27. Type the paper.
28. Complain to everyone that you didn’t get any sleep because you had to write the paper.

Source: http://www.theholidayspot.com/friendship/jokes.htm

Heaven and Hell

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident.

When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, “St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can’t find him!”

St. Peter said, “My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn’t make it to Heaven.”

This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other.

John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, “Are you sure I’m in the right place?”

“My son,” St. Peter said, “looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn’t!”

Brother Died

Two friends met on the street and one said, “I heard your brother died. What happened?”

“It was very sad,” the other replied. “Lettuce killed him.”

“How could lettuce kill a man?”

“He bought lettuce at the market and asked the store owner how to keep it fresh”

“The owner told him, ‘Put your head in a plastic bag, tie it tight and put it in the refrigerator.'”

Key

A man decided to march in the holy crusades.

Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend.

He tells him, “If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.”

So, the husband leaves on horseback.

About a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him.

He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

“You gave me the wrong key!”

With Pride

Two elderly friends, Jack and Tom, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Jack didn’t show up. Tom didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Jack hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Tom got worried. Unfortunately he didn’t know where Jack lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

After a month passed, Tom figured he had seen the last of Jack, but one day, Tom approached the park and — lo and behold there sat Jack ! Tom, excited and happy, said how glad he was to see him, then blurted out, “For crying out loud, what on earth happened to you?”

“I’ve been in jail,” Jack said, with some embarrassment.

“Jail?” cried Tom. “What in the world for?”

“Well,” Jack said, “you know Marilyn , that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?”

“Yeah,” said Tom, “I remember her. What about her?”

“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ‘guilty’.

“And you were convicted of rape?”, asked Tom, stunned.

Jack replied, “No, the judge gave me thirty days for perjury.”

Future Plan

A guy meets a childhood pal.

“What are you doing for yourself these days?”

“I’m a fireman.”

“Oh yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman.”

“Well, if you want some good advice, you’ve got to install in your house a pole that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, ’cause the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night.”

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

“Well, did your son become a fireman?”

“No, but I have two daughters who are “dancers.”

Fault

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below says: “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.”

“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.

“I am” replies the man. “How did you know.”

“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”

The man below says “You must be a manager.”

“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”

Confession

Two men were talking about their exploits with women. One of the men began feeling terrible about some of the things that he had done, so he decided to make a stop into his parish church and go to confession.

He told his friend, ‘Just a minute, I’ll be right back.’ He went into the church and decided to go to confession. He went into the confessional and said to the priest, ‘Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs.’

The priest replied, ‘You need to say forty Hail Mary’s, and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish.’

The man said, ‘Yes, Father, they were.’ The priest then said that he was required to tell the names of the two women.

The man said, ‘Father, I don’t kiss and tell…’

The priest said, ‘Well, was one of them Mrs. O’ Brian?’

The man said, ‘No, Father!’

The priest asked, ‘Well, was one of them Mrs. Swenson?’

Exasperated, the man said, ‘No, Father, I’m not telling you the names of the women!’ and then quickly left the confessional.

As he approached the bottom of the church steps, his friend asked, ‘So, how did it go?’

The man said, ‘Great! Only forty Hail Mary’s… and I got two hot leads!’

Fashion Sense

A farmer was at a diner one day having lunch when he noticed an old friend. What really caught his attention was that this friend was wearing an earring.

The farmer knew his old buddy to be a fairly conservative fellow, and was curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”

The farmer walked up to him and said, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” the fellow replied sheepishly.

The farmer was silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity got the best of him and he asked “So, how long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in my truck,” the man replied.

Three Buddies

Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, ‘When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, ‘I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man.’

The second guy says, ‘I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.’

The last guy replies, ‘I would like to hear them say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’

Two Types of Friends

A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.

A simple friend doesn’t know your parents’ first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.

A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and clean.

A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.

A simple friend seeks to talk with you about their problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.

A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it.

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.

A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend knows that it’s not a friendship until after you’ve had a fight.

A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!

Source: http://www.hijokes.com/friends

Love and Romance Quotes

You know you are in love when you see the world in her eyes, and her eyes everywhere in the world. ~David Levesque

When you love someone, all your saved-up wishes start coming out. ~Elizabeth Bowen

Love isn’t blind; it just only sees what matters. ~William Curry

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world. ~Bill Wilson

Love is smiling on the inside and out. ~Jennifer Williams

Love one another and you will be happy. It’s as simple and as difficult as that. ~Michael Leunig

To love another person is to see the face of God. ~Victor Hugo

Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition. ~Alexander Smith

Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship – never. ~Charles Caleb Colton

There is no remedy for love but to love more. ~Henry David Thoreau

We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh. ~Agnes Repplier

To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best. ~William M. Thackeray

True love never dies for it is lust that fades away. Love bonds for a lifetime but lust just pushes away. ~Alicia Barnhart

If so many men, so many minds, certainly so many hearts, so many kinds of love. ~Leo Tolstoy

Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here. ~Marianne Williamson

Love, like a river, will cut a new path whenever it meets an obstacle. ~Crystal Middlemas

There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. ~George Sand

The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. ~G. K. Chesterton

Love is a moment that lasts forever… ~Julie Wittey

Love is not love that alters when it alteration finds. ~William Shakespeare

Love is something you can’t describe, like the look of a rose, the smell of the rain, or the feeling of forever. ~Kristen Kappel

Like a child’s infinite dreams, is the endlessness of love. ~Renee Tripp

A mighty pain to love it is, and ’tis a pain that pain to miss; but of all the pains, the greatest pain is to love, but love in vain. ~Abraham Crowley

True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen. ~La Rochefoucauld

Tell me whom you love and I will tell you who you are. ~Houssaye

Love is shown in your deeds, not in your words. ~Fr. Jerome Cummings

Where there is love there is life. ~Gandhi

We look forward to the time when the power to love of will replace the love of power. Then will our world know the blessings of peace. ~William Gladstone

Love that is true never grows old. ~Elben Bano

Love reminds you that nothing else matters. ~Amy Bushell

Love is more than a feeling; it’s a state of mind. ~Lisa Grude

Love is like a blazing flame, golden and full of warmth. ~Ben Oliver

Love is like a piece of art work, even the smallest bit can be so beautiful. ~Stacie Cunningham

Love is sweet, delicate, dreamy: an eternity of gorgeous moments. ~Sarah Montgomery

To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage. ~Lao Tzu

Romance is the fuel that keeps love burning hot. ~Rusty Silvey

If you would be loved, love and be lovable. ~Benjamin Franklin

Love, the key that unlocks the bars of impossibility. ~Fikayo Ositelu

‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. ~Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Love is when you look into someone’s eyes and see their heart. ~Jill Petty

Real love is feeling like being a part of that person’s life almost isn’t enough. It’s more like a feeling that you would live in the same skin with them if you could and share every thought, heart beat, and emotion as one. ~Rod Cannon

Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance, even celebration of another’s personhood. ~Karen Casey

If you judge people, you have no time to love them. ~Mother Theresa

Source: http://hubpages.com/hub/Quotes_About_Love