Funny Computer and Geek Jokes

  • There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t
  • If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0
  • I’m not anti-social; I’m just not user friendly
  • My software never has bugs. It just develops random features
  • Roses are #FF0000 , Violets are #0000FF , All my base belongs to you
  • In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
  • Hand over the calculator, friends don’t let friends derive drunk
  • I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code
  • Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…
  • The box said ‘Requires Windows 95 or better’. So I installed LINUX
  • A penny saved is 1.39 cents earned, if you consider income tax
  • Unix, DOS and Windows…the good, the bad and the ugly
  • A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila
  • The code that is the hardest to debug is the code that you know cannot possibly be wrong
  • UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity
  • Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
  • C://dos
    C://dos.run
    run.dos.run
  • You know it’s love when you memorize her IP number to skip DNS overhead
  • JUST SHUT UP AND REBOOT!!
  • 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
  • Alcohol & calculus don’t mix. Never drink & derive
  • How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  • There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer
  • Concept: On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape button
  • It’s not bogus, it’s an IBM standard
  • Be nice to the nerds, for all you know they might be the next Bill Gates!
  • The farther south you go, the more dollar stores there are
  • Beware of programmers that carry screwdrivers
  • The difference between e-mail and regular mail is that computers handle e-mail, and computers never decide to come to work one day and shoot all the other computers
  • If you want a language that tries to lock up all the sharp objects and fire-making implements, use Pascal or Ada: the Nerf languages, harmless fun for children of all ages, and they won’t mar the furniture
  • COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key
  • Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning
  • LISP = Lots of Irritating Silly Parentheses
  • The beginning of the programmer’s wisdom is understanding the difference between getting program to run and having a runnable program
  • Squash one bug, you’ll see ten new bugs popping
  • Everytime i time i touch my code, i give birth to ten new bugs
  • boast = blogging is open & amiable sharing of thoughts
  • We are sorry, but the number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again
  • Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted
  • If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBO
  • Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner
  • Bad or corrupt header, go get a haircut
  • Unrecognized input, get out of the class
  • Warning! Buffer overflow, close the tumbler !
  • WinErr 547: LPT1 not found… Use backup… PENCIL & PAPER
  • Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
  • Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes
  • Best file compression around: “rm *.*” = 100% compression
  • Hackers in hollywood movies are phenomenal. All they need to do is “c:\> hack into fbi”
  • BREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding
  • I survived an NT installation
  • The name is Baud……James Baud
  • My new car runs at 56Kbps
  • Why doesn’t DOS ever say “EXCELLENT command or filename!”
  • File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
  • Cannot read data, leech the next boy’s paper? (Y/N)
  • CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
  • Does fuzzy logic tickle?
  • Helpdesk : Sir, you need to add 10GB space to your HD , Customer : Could you please tell where I can download that?
  • Windows: Just another pane in the glass
  • Who’s General Failure & why’s he reading my disk?
  • RAM disk is not an installation procedure
  • Shell to DOS…Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS…
  • The truth is out there…anybody got the URL?
  • Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…..
  • E-mail returned to sender — insufficient voltage
  • Help! I’m modeming… and I can’t hang up!!!
  • All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
  • Once I got this error on my Linux box: Error. Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue
  • Once I got this error on my Linux box: Error. Mouse not attached. Please left click the ‘OK’ button to continue
  • Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…
  • Press every key to continue
  • Helpdesk: Sir if you see the blue screen, press any key to continue. Customer : hm.. just a min.. where’s that ‘any key’..
  • Idiot, Go ahead, make my data!
  • Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources
  • To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so
  • (001) Logical Error CLINTON.SYS: Truth table missing
  • Clinton:/> READ | PARSE | WRITE | DUMP >> MONKIA.SYS
  • (D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
  • Computers can never replace human stupidity
  • A typical Yahoo! inbox : Inbox(0), Junk(9855210)
  • (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic?
  • Bugs come in through open Windows
  • Penguins love cold, they wont survive the sun
  • Unix is user friendly…its just selective about who its friends are
  • Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity
  • Bell Labs Unix — Reach out and grep someone.
  • To err is human…to really foul up requires the root password.
  • Invalid password : Please enter the correct password to (Abort / Retry / Ignore )
  • FUBAR – where Geeks go for a drink
  • I degaussed my girlfriend and I’m just not attracted to her anymore
  • Scandisk : Found 2 bad sectors. Please enter a new HD to continue scanning
  • Black holes are where God divided by zero
  • Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
  • Thank god, my baby just compiled
  • Yes! My code compiled, and my wife just produced the output
  • Windows 98 supports real multitasking – it can boot and crash simultaneously
  • Zap! And there was the blue screen !
  • Please send all spam to my main address, root@localhost 🙂
  • MailerD(a)emon: You just received 9133547 spam. (O)pen all, (R)ead one by one, (C)heck for more spam
  • A: Can you teach me how to use a computer? B: No. I just fix the machines, I don’t use them
  • PayPal: Your funds have been frozen for 668974 days
  • 1-800-404 : The subscriber you are trying to call does not exist
  • 1-800-403 : Access to that subscriber was denied
  • Error message: “Out of paper on drive D:”
  • If I wanted a warm fuzzy feeling, I’d antialias my graphics!
  • A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
  • “Mr. Worf, scan that ship.” “Aye Captain. 300 dpi?”
  • Smith & Wesson: The Original Point And Click Interface
  • Shout onto a newsgroup : It echoes back flames and spam
  • Firewall : Intruder detected. (A)llow in (D)eactivate the firewall
  • Real programmers can write assembly code in any language
  • Warning! Perl script detected! (K)ill it , (D)eactivate it
  • Firewall : Do you want to place a motion detector on port 80 ?
  • Helpdesk: Sir, please refill your ink catridges Customer : Where can i download that?
  • All computers run at the same speed… with the power off
  • You have successfully logged in, Now press any key to log out
  • Sorry, the password you tried is already being used by Dorthy, please try something else.
  • Sorry, that username already exists. (O)verwrite it (C)ancel
  • Please send all flames, trolls, and complaints to /dev/toilet
  • Shut up, or i’ll flush you out
  • Cron : Enter cron command \ Now enter the number of minutes in an hour
  • We are experiencing system trouble — do not adjust your terminal
  • You have successfully hacked in, Welcome to the FBI mainframes.
  • I’m sorry, our software is perfect. The problem must be you
  • Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway
  • Webhost livehelp: Sir you ran out of bandwidth, User: Where can I download that?
  • If Ruby is not and Perl is the answer, you don’t understand the question
  • Having soundcards is nice… having embedded sound in web pages is not
  • My computer was full, so I deleted everything on the right half
  • You have received a new mail which is 195537 hours old
  • Yahoo! Mail: Your email was sent successfully. The email will delivered in 4 days and 8 hours
  • I’m sorry for the double slash (Tim Berners-Lee in a Panel Discussion, WWW7, Brisbane, 1998)
  • Ah, young webmaster… java leads to shockwave. Shockwave leads to realaudio. And realaudio leads to suffering
  • What color do you want that database?
  • C++ is a write-only language, once can write programs in C++, but I can’t read any of them
  • As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code
  • earth is 98% full … please delete anyone you can
  • A typical yahoo chat room: “A has signed in, A has signed out, B has signed in, B has signed out, C has signed in, C has signed out..”
  • When someone says “I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done,” give him a lollipop
  • Warning! No processor found! Press any key to continue
  • Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product
  • NT is the only OS that has caused me to beat a piece of hardware to death with my bare hands
  • Warning! Kernel crashed, Run for your lives !
  • NASA uses Windows? Oh great. If Apollo 13 went off course today the manual would just tell them to open the airlock, flush the astronauts out, and re-install new one
  • JavaScript: An authorizing language designed to make Netscape crash
  • How’s my programming? Call 1-800-DEV-NULL
  • Yes, friends and neighbors, boys and girls – my PC speaker crashed NT
  • root:> Sorry, you entered the wrong password, the correct password is ‘a_49qwXk’
  • New linux package released. Please install on /dev/null
  • Quake and uptime do not like each other
  • Unix…best if used before: Tue Jan 19 03:14:08 GMT 2038
  • As you well know, magic and weapons are prohibited inside the cafeteria — Final Fantasy VIII
  • Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft…and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labo
  • Unix is the only virus with a command line interface
  • Windows 95 makes Unix look like an operating system
  • How are we supposed to hack your system if it’s always down!
  • God is real, unless declared integer
  • I’m tempted to buy the slashdot staff a grammar checker. What do they do for 40 hours a week?
  • Paypal : Please enter your credit card number to continue
  • It takes a million monkeys at typewriters to write Shakespeare, but only a dozen monkeys at computers to run Network Solutions
  • Please help – firewall burnt down – lost packet – reward $$$
  • If Linux were a beer, it would be shipped in open barrels so that anybody could piss in it before delivery
  • Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle
  • Perl, the only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption
  • Norton: Incoming virus – (D)ownload and save (R)un after download
  • I had a dream… and there were 1’s and 0’s everywhere, and I think I saw a 2!
  • You sir, are an unknown USB device driver
  • C isn’t that hard: void (*(*f[])())() defines f as an array of unspecified size, of pointers to functions that return pointers to functions that return void

Source: http://www.kailashnadh.name/docs/geek_jokes/

Funny Work Quotes

HAM AND EGGS – A day’s work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
More funny Anonymous quotes

***Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
More funny Edgar Bergen quotes

***Conway’s Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on – This person must be fired.
More funny Anonymous quotes

***Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.
More funny Robert Orben quotes

***Satisfaction Guaranteed or Double Your Garbage Back.
More funny Garbage Truck quotes

***Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell ’em, “Certainly, I can!” Then get busy and find out how to do it.
More funny Theodore Roosevelt quotes

***Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
More funny Anonymous quotes

***I am a friend of the workingman, I would rather be his friend than be one.
More funny Clarence Darrow quotes

***The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit.
More funny Dwight Morrow quotes

***The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches.
More funny Bove’s Theorem quotes

***If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
More funny Cannon’s Law quotes

***No project was ever completed on time and within budget.
More funny Cheops Law quotes

***People are always available for work in the past tense.
More funny Zymurgy’s Law of Volunteer Labour quotes

***If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.
More funny Lane Kirkland quotes

***We’re not Prince Charles and Princess Di. We don’t think of ourselves as royalty. We happen to be working people.
More funny Christie Brinkley quotes

***In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse. – Archie Bunker
More funny Carroll O’Connor quotes

***Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
More funny Oscar Wilde quotes

***An ant on the move does more than a dozing ox.
More funny Lao Tzu quotes

***One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.
More funny Bertrand Russell quotes

***I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
More funny Jerome K. Jerome quotes

***The reward for work well done is the opportunity to do more.
More funny Jonas Salk quotes

***I make a lot of money, but I don’t want to talk about that. I work very hard and I’m worth every cent.
More funny Naomi Campbell quotes

***A bum asked me “Give me $10 till payday.” I asked “When’s payday?” He said “I don’t know, you’re the one who is working!”
More funny Henny Youngman quotes

***I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.
More funny Henny Youngman quotes

***I don’t know Laura Bush. But she seems to be calm, and she has a sparkle in her eye, which is good. But I don’t know that she’s ever had a real job – I mean, since she’s been grown up.
More funny Teresa Heinz Kerry quotes

***I didn’t have to work till I was three. But after that, I never stopped.
More funny Martha Raye quotes

***Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy.
More funny Huey Long quotes

***Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. (Charlie McCarthy)
More funny Charlie McCarthy quotes

***If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.
More funny Claude McDonald quotes

***People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The trouble is they want a week’s pay for it.
More funny Joey Adams quotes

***So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said ‘You’ve been promoted.’ And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said “You’ve been promoted again.’ And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.’ And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’ And I said ‘I careered off the road.
More funny Tim Vine quotes

***Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.
More funny John Ciardi quotes

***Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is the probable reason why so few engage in it.
More funny Henry Ford quotes

***Working gets in the way of living.
More funny Omar Sharif quotes

***Why is it men are permitted to be obsessed about their work, but women are only permitted to be obsessed about men?
More funny Barbra Streisand quotes

***I mean what good does it do anyone to kill themselves working, because the worms will get you in the end.
More funny Dorothy Gish quotes

***What do hookers do on their nights off—type?
More funny Elayne Boosler quotes

***Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
More funny William Archibald Spooner quotes

***I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
More funny Charles Lamb quotes

***The harder I work the luckier I get.
More funny Samuel Goldwyn quotes

Source: http://www.basicjokes.com/

Robin Williams’ Famous Quotes

Ah, yes, divorce… from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.

Carpe per diem – seize the check.

Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.

Comedy is acting out optimism.

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

Do you think God gets stoned? I think so… look at the platypus.

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn’t work!

I like my wine like my women – ready to pass out.

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.

If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.

No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.

People say satire is dead. It’s not dead; it’s alive and living in the White House.

Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.

Reality: What a concept!

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Spring is nature’s way of saying, “Let’s party!”

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, ‘Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.’ She’s got a baseball bat and yelling, ‘You want a piece of me?’

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

We have a president for whom English is a second language. He’s like ‘We have to get rid of dictators,’ but he’s pretty much one himself.

We’ve had cloning in the South for years. It’s called cousins.

What’s right is what’s left if you do everything else wrong.

When in doubt, go for the dick joke.

When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, ‘Can I use a lifeline?’

When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

You’ll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.

Source: http://www.brainyquote.com

Funny Quotes from Stand-up Comedians

Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
Bob Ettinger

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
Ellen DeGeneres

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. ‘You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?’ she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, ‘I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.
Jake Johansen

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’
Paula Poundstone

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
Warren Hutcherson

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.
Sue Murphy

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right here.’
Jerry Seinfeld

I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $450,000 a week.
Joel Lindley

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
Tim Allen

I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn’t want to go, because I’ve put on like a hundred pounds.
Wendy Liebman

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
George Carlin

My favorite animal is steak.
Fran Lebowitz

Two guys walk into a bar. You’d think one of them would have seen it.
Daniel Lybra

In a nutshell, just be good and kind to your children, because not only are they the future of the world, but they are the ones who can eventually sign you into the home.
Dennis Miller

A word to the wise ain’t necessary. It’s the stupid ones who need the advice.
Bill Cosby

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
Elayne Boosler

I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV.
Tracy Smith

I’ll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
Henny Youngman

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
Jay Leno

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
Janeane Garofalo

I took my parents back to the airport today. They leave tomorrow.
Margaret Smith

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved.
Johnny Carson

I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse.
Dennis Miller

Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me.
Bobcat Goldthwait

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: work, or prison.
Tim Allen

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looks like.
Phyllis Diller

The 1960s were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we had the shows then like The Flying Nun.
Ellen DeGeneres

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
Roseanne

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.
Ray Romano

We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers. They would call it On Anon Anon.
Paula Poundstone

I find television very educational. Every time someone turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx

There’s only one difference between Catholics and Jews. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.
Elayne Boosler

I come from family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Erma Bombeck

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner.
Lynda Montgomery

Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.
George Carlin

Every day people are straying away from the church, and going back to God.
Lenny Bruce

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, Let there be light! And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
Ellen DeGeneres

A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman knows.
Monica Piper

I date this girl for two years and then the nagging starts: I wanna know your name…
Mike Binder

Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn’t own a car.
Carrie Snow

I’m not a good lover, but at least I’m fast.
Drew Carey

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
Dave Barry

Before I met my husband I’d never fallen in love, though I’ve stepped in it a few times.
Rita Rudner

Why is it when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?
Lily Tomlin

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.
Fran Lebowitz

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don’t eat pork. I’m sorry, what was that last one? Don’t eat pork? Is that the word of God, or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
Jon Stewart

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut… I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don’t even act like I didn’t buy a doughnut, I’ve got the documentation right here… It’s in my file at home. …Under D.
Mitch Hedberg

Hate your job? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody and they meet at a bar.
Drew Carey

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
Spike Milligan

I’ve had a wonderful evening – but this wasn’t it.
Groucho Marx

Source: http://www.innocentenglish.com