- There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t
- If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0
- I’m not anti-social; I’m just not user friendly
- My software never has bugs. It just develops random features
- Roses are #FF0000 , Violets are #0000FF , All my base belongs to you
- In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
- Hand over the calculator, friends don’t let friends derive drunk
- I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code
- Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…
- The box said ‘Requires Windows 95 or better’. So I installed LINUX
- A penny saved is 1.39 cents earned, if you consider income tax
- Unix, DOS and Windows…the good, the bad and the ugly
- A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila
- The code that is the hardest to debug is the code that you know cannot possibly be wrong
- UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity
- Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
- You know it’s love when you memorize her IP number to skip DNS overhead
- JUST SHUT UP AND REBOOT!!
- 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
- Alcohol & calculus don’t mix. Never drink & derive
- How do I set a laser printer to stun?
- There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer
- Concept: On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape button
- It’s not bogus, it’s an IBM standard
- Be nice to the nerds, for all you know they might be the next Bill Gates!
- The farther south you go, the more dollar stores there are
- Beware of programmers that carry screwdrivers
- The difference between e-mail and regular mail is that computers handle e-mail, and computers never decide to come to work one day and shoot all the other computers
- If you want a language that tries to lock up all the sharp objects and fire-making implements, use Pascal or Ada: the Nerf languages, harmless fun for children of all ages, and they won’t mar the furniture
- COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key
- Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning
- LISP = Lots of Irritating Silly Parentheses
- The beginning of the programmer’s wisdom is understanding the difference between getting program to run and having a runnable program
- Squash one bug, you’ll see ten new bugs popping
- Everytime i time i touch my code, i give birth to ten new bugs
- boast = blogging is open & amiable sharing of thoughts
- We are sorry, but the number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again
- Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted
- If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBO
- Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner
- Bad or corrupt header, go get a haircut
- Unrecognized input, get out of the class
- Warning! Buffer overflow, close the tumbler !
- WinErr 547: LPT1 not found… Use backup… PENCIL & PAPER
- Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
- Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes
- Best file compression around: “rm *.*” = 100% compression
- Hackers in hollywood movies are phenomenal. All they need to do is “c:\> hack into fbi”
- BREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding
- I survived an NT installation
- The name is Baud……James Baud
- My new car runs at 56Kbps
- Why doesn’t DOS ever say “EXCELLENT command or filename!”
- File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
- Cannot read data, leech the next boy’s paper? (Y/N)
- CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
- Does fuzzy logic tickle?
- Helpdesk : Sir, you need to add 10GB space to your HD , Customer : Could you please tell where I can download that?
- Windows: Just another pane in the glass
- Who’s General Failure & why’s he reading my disk?
- RAM disk is not an installation procedure
- Shell to DOS…Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS…
- The truth is out there…anybody got the URL?
- Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…..
- E-mail returned to sender — insufficient voltage
- Help! I’m modeming… and I can’t hang up!!!
- All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
- Once I got this error on my Linux box: Error. Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue
- Once I got this error on my Linux box: Error. Mouse not attached. Please left click the ‘OK’ button to continue
- Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…
- Press every key to continue
- Helpdesk: Sir if you see the blue screen, press any key to continue. Customer : hm.. just a min.. where’s that ‘any key’..
- Idiot, Go ahead, make my data!
- Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources
- To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so
- (001) Logical Error CLINTON.SYS: Truth table missing
- Clinton:/> READ | PARSE | WRITE | DUMP >> MONKIA.SYS
- (D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
- Computers can never replace human stupidity
- A typical Yahoo! inbox : Inbox(0), Junk(9855210)
- (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)anic?
- Bugs come in through open Windows
- Penguins love cold, they wont survive the sun
- Unix is user friendly…its just selective about who its friends are
- Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity
- Bell Labs Unix — Reach out and grep someone.
- To err is human…to really foul up requires the root password.
- Invalid password : Please enter the correct password to (Abort / Retry / Ignore )
- FUBAR – where Geeks go for a drink
- I degaussed my girlfriend and I’m just not attracted to her anymore
- Scandisk : Found 2 bad sectors. Please enter a new HD to continue scanning
- Black holes are where God divided by zero
- Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
- Thank god, my baby just compiled
- Yes! My code compiled, and my wife just produced the output
- Windows 98 supports real multitasking – it can boot and crash simultaneously
- Zap! And there was the blue screen !
- Please send all spam to my main address, root@localhost 🙂
- MailerD(a)emon: You just received 9133547 spam. (O)pen all, (R)ead one by one, (C)heck for more spam
- A: Can you teach me how to use a computer? B: No. I just fix the machines, I don’t use them
- PayPal: Your funds have been frozen for 668974 days
- 1-800-404 : The subscriber you are trying to call does not exist
- 1-800-403 : Access to that subscriber was denied
- Error message: “Out of paper on drive D:”
- If I wanted a warm fuzzy feeling, I’d antialias my graphics!
- A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
- “Mr. Worf, scan that ship.” “Aye Captain. 300 dpi?”
- Smith & Wesson: The Original Point And Click Interface
- Shout onto a newsgroup : It echoes back flames and spam
- Firewall : Intruder detected. (A)llow in (D)eactivate the firewall
- Real programmers can write assembly code in any language
- Warning! Perl script detected! (K)ill it , (D)eactivate it
- Firewall : Do you want to place a motion detector on port 80 ?
- Helpdesk: Sir, please refill your ink catridges Customer : Where can i download that?
- All computers run at the same speed… with the power off
- You have successfully logged in, Now press any key to log out
- Sorry, the password you tried is already being used by Dorthy, please try something else.
- Sorry, that username already exists. (O)verwrite it (C)ancel
- Please send all flames, trolls, and complaints to /dev/toilet
- Shut up, or i’ll flush you out
- Cron : Enter cron command \ Now enter the number of minutes in an hour
- We are experiencing system trouble — do not adjust your terminal
- You have successfully hacked in, Welcome to the FBI mainframes.
- I’m sorry, our software is perfect. The problem must be you
- Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway
- Webhost livehelp: Sir you ran out of bandwidth, User: Where can I download that?
- If Ruby is not and Perl is the answer, you don’t understand the question
- Having soundcards is nice… having embedded sound in web pages is not
- My computer was full, so I deleted everything on the right half
- You have received a new mail which is 195537 hours old
- Yahoo! Mail: Your email was sent successfully. The email will delivered in 4 days and 8 hours
- I’m sorry for the double slash (Tim Berners-Lee in a Panel Discussion, WWW7, Brisbane, 1998)
- Ah, young webmaster… java leads to shockwave. Shockwave leads to realaudio. And realaudio leads to suffering
- What color do you want that database?
- C++ is a write-only language, once can write programs in C++, but I can’t read any of them
- As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code
- earth is 98% full … please delete anyone you can
- A typical yahoo chat room: “A has signed in, A has signed out, B has signed in, B has signed out, C has signed in, C has signed out..”
- When someone says “I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done,” give him a lollipop
- Warning! No processor found! Press any key to continue
- Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product
- NT is the only OS that has caused me to beat a piece of hardware to death with my bare hands
- Warning! Kernel crashed, Run for your lives !
- NASA uses Windows? Oh great. If Apollo 13 went off course today the manual would just tell them to open the airlock, flush the astronauts out, and re-install new one
- How’s my programming? Call 1-800-DEV-NULL
- Yes, friends and neighbors, boys and girls – my PC speaker crashed NT
- root:> Sorry, you entered the wrong password, the correct password is ‘a_49qwXk’
- New linux package released. Please install on /dev/null
- Quake and uptime do not like each other
- Unix…best if used before: Tue Jan 19 03:14:08 GMT 2038
- As you well know, magic and weapons are prohibited inside the cafeteria — Final Fantasy VIII
- Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft…and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labo
- Unix is the only virus with a command line interface
- Windows 95 makes Unix look like an operating system
- How are we supposed to hack your system if it’s always down!
- God is real, unless declared integer
- I’m tempted to buy the slashdot staff a grammar checker. What do they do for 40 hours a week?
- Paypal : Please enter your credit card number to continue
- It takes a million monkeys at typewriters to write Shakespeare, but only a dozen monkeys at computers to run Network Solutions
- Please help – firewall burnt down – lost packet – reward $$$
- If Linux were a beer, it would be shipped in open barrels so that anybody could piss in it before delivery
- Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle
- Perl, the only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption
- Norton: Incoming virus – (D)ownload and save (R)un after download
- I had a dream… and there were 1’s and 0’s everywhere, and I think I saw a 2!
- You sir, are an unknown USB device driver
- C isn’t that hard: void (*(*f)())() defines f as an array of unspecified size, of pointers to functions that return pointers to functions that return void
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked an accountant.”Watch and you’ll see”, answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, “Ticket, please”. The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea.
So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to ride without a ticket”? said one perplexed accountant.”Watch and you’ll see”, answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said, “Ticket, please”.
Money, money, money
It can buy a House
But not a Home
It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock
But not Time
It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine
But not Health
It can buy you Blood
But not Life
So you see, Money isn’t everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering…
So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
A more true Friend you will never find 🙂
Do your homework – step by step
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
4. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn’t started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
7. You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You’d better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that’s it– I mean it! As soon as it’s over you are going to start that paper.
10. Listen to the other side.
11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
12. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he’s started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.
13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren’t missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile.
16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
19. Look through your roommate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.
24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
25. Lie face down on the floor and scream at the top of your lungs.
26. Leap up and write the paper.
27. Type the paper.
28. Complain to everyone that you didn’t get any sleep because you had to write the paper.
Heaven and Hell
John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident.
When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, “St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can’t find him!”
St. Peter said, “My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn’t make it to Heaven.”
This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other.
John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, “Are you sure I’m in the right place?”
“My son,” St. Peter said, “looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn’t!”
Two friends met on the street and one said, “I heard your brother died. What happened?”
“It was very sad,” the other replied. “Lettuce killed him.”
“How could lettuce kill a man?”
“He bought lettuce at the market and asked the store owner how to keep it fresh”
“The owner told him, ‘Put your head in a plastic bag, tie it tight and put it in the refrigerator.'”
A man decided to march in the holy crusades.
Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend.
He tells him, “If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.”
So, the husband leaves on horseback.
About a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him.
He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. “What’s wrong?” he asks.
“You gave me the wrong key!”
Two elderly friends, Jack and Tom, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Jack didn’t show up. Tom didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Jack hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Tom got worried. Unfortunately he didn’t know where Jack lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
After a month passed, Tom figured he had seen the last of Jack, but one day, Tom approached the park and — lo and behold there sat Jack ! Tom, excited and happy, said how glad he was to see him, then blurted out, “For crying out loud, what on earth happened to you?”
“I’ve been in jail,” Jack said, with some embarrassment.
“Jail?” cried Tom. “What in the world for?”
“Well,” Jack said, “you know Marilyn , that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?”
“Yeah,” said Tom, “I remember her. What about her?”
“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ‘guilty’.
“And you were convicted of rape?”, asked Tom, stunned.
Jack replied, “No, the judge gave me thirty days for perjury.”
A guy meets a childhood pal.
“What are you doing for yourself these days?”
“I’m a fireman.”
“Oh yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman.”
“Well, if you want some good advice, you’ve got to install in your house a pole that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, ’cause the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night.”
Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.
“Well, did your son become a fireman?”
“No, but I have two daughters who are “dancers.”
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man below says: “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.”
“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.
“I am” replies the man. “How did you know.”
“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”
The man below says “You must be a manager.”
“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”
Two men were talking about their exploits with women. One of the men began feeling terrible about some of the things that he had done, so he decided to make a stop into his parish church and go to confession.
He told his friend, ‘Just a minute, I’ll be right back.’ He went into the church and decided to go to confession. He went into the confessional and said to the priest, ‘Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs.’
The priest replied, ‘You need to say forty Hail Mary’s, and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish.’
The man said, ‘Yes, Father, they were.’ The priest then said that he was required to tell the names of the two women.
The man said, ‘Father, I don’t kiss and tell…’
The priest said, ‘Well, was one of them Mrs. O’ Brian?’
The man said, ‘No, Father!’
The priest asked, ‘Well, was one of them Mrs. Swenson?’
Exasperated, the man said, ‘No, Father, I’m not telling you the names of the women!’ and then quickly left the confessional.
As he approached the bottom of the church steps, his friend asked, ‘So, how did it go?’
The man said, ‘Great! Only forty Hail Mary’s… and I got two hot leads!’
A farmer was at a diner one day having lunch when he noticed an old friend. What really caught his attention was that this friend was wearing an earring.
The farmer knew his old buddy to be a fairly conservative fellow, and was curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”
The farmer walked up to him and said, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” the fellow replied sheepishly.
The farmer was silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity got the best of him and he asked “So, how long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in my truck,” the man replied.
Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, ‘When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, ‘I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man.’
The second guy says, ‘I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.’
The last guy replies, ‘I would like to hear them say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’
Two Types of Friends
A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.
A simple friend doesn’t know your parents’ first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.
A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and clean.
A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.
A simple friend seeks to talk with you about their problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it.
A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.
A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend knows that it’s not a friendship until after you’ve had a fight.
A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!
SHERLOCK HOLMES IN ACTION
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent.“
A blonde chick found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. Bored, the lawyer kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence (lawyers like easy prey). Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.
The blonde then asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
INTELLIGENT CAR RADIO
A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.
Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.
She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word “country,” and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said “rock ‘n’ roll;” the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers. Quite pleased, the woman continued driving.
A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily exclaimed, “Asshole!”
…The radio cut over to George Bush’s press conference.
George W. Bush’s Intelligence Quiz
While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they’re intelligent.
“I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Queen. “Allow me to demonstrate.”
She phones Tony Blair and says, “Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?”
Tony Blair responds, “It’s me, ma’am.”
“Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the Queen. She hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Bush?”
“Yes ma’am. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he’d better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, “Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.”
“Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?”
“Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get back to you?” Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
“Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?” Powell answers immediately, “It’s me, of course, you dumb ass.”
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, “I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s Colin Powell!” And Bush replies in disgust, “Wrong, you dumb ass, It’s Tony Blair!”
“Way To Go, Einstein!”
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
“I have an idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!” When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said:
“Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
“Einstein Talks With GOD”
Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord… “God, what does a million years mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “A minute.”
“Einstein asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “A penny.”
Einstein asks, “Can I have a penny?”
The Lord replies, “In a minute.”
“Einstein in Heaven”
Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. “I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it’s the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others.”, he was told by the doorman named Pete. Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So Pete leads him to the dorm. They entered and Albert was introduced to all of the present inhabitants. “See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!” “Why that’s wonderful!” Says Albert. “We can discuss mathematics!” “And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!” “Why that’s wonderful!” says Albert. “We can discuss physics!” “And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!” “That’s wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theatre!” Just then another man moves out to capture Albert’s hand and shake it. “I’m your last room mate and I’m sorry, but my IQ is only 80.” Albert smiles back at him and says, “So, where do you think interest rates are headed?”
“Q&A with Einstein”
Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It’s all relative.
Q: Why did Albert Einstein cross the street?
A: To get away from Niels Bohr. But when he got to the other side Bohr was there also.
“Einstein Plays Hide-and-Seek”
Once, all the scientists died and went to
They decided to play hide-n-seek.
Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the
He is supposed to count up to 100…and then start
Everyone starts hiding except Newton.
Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it
right in front of Einstein.
1, 2, 3……97, 98, 99…. ..100……. .
He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in
Einstein says ” Newton ‘s out. Newton ‘s….out.”
Newton denies and says “I am not out.”
He claims that he is not Newton.
All the scientists came out to see how he proves that
he is not Newton.
Newton says “I am standing in a square of area 1 meter
That makes me Newton per meter squared.
Since one Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I’m
Therefore Pascal is OUT!
“Einstein, Picasso and George W. Bush”
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, “You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?”
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really ARE Einstein!” he says. “Welcome to heaven!”
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”
Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.”
Picasso erases Einstein’s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!” he says. “Come on in!”
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”
George W. looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”
Saint Peter sighs and says, “Come on in, George.”
Sen. Trillanes: To check in a five-star hotel.
Erap: Para makaahon patungo doon sa lansangan ng kapayapaan (road to peace) kasi isang mahirap na mamamayan ang manok. Kawawa naman, baka magkasakit ng trangkasong ibon (bird flu).
Willie Revillame: Para pumila at manalo ng malaking papremyo sa Pera o Bayong.
Joey de Leon: Para sumali sa Laban o Bawi.
Edu Manzano: Toorooroorooroot, Tiiriiriiriiriit, Toorooroorooroot, too-roo-root-too-root… and then dance the Chicken Song.
Toni Gonzaga: To try its luck in Pinoy Big Manok Edition.
Kuya Kim Atienza: Alam n’yo ba na ang chicken ay may dalawang paa? Alam n’yo ba na kahit umu-ulan ng malakas ay hindi n’ya kayang lumipad ng mataas? Kaya tumawid na lamang ang chicken dahil alam niya ang buhay ng ibon ay weather-weather lang.
Lolit Solis: Para bumati at mangolekta ng datung sa daan!
Kuya Germs: Ang chicken ay isa rin sa mga kabataan na tumatahak ng maling landas at lulong sa bawal na gamot. Pero OK lang, katropa ko siya sa Walang Tulugan.
Bro. Eli Soriano: Tumawid ang chicken dahil nakasulat yun: “Dako paroon, ang lahat ng manok ay patungo sa paraiso ng Dating Daan.”
Sen. Juan Flavier: Let’s DOH it, chicken!
FVR: I asked the chicken to buy me tobacco over there.
Imelda Marcos: I told my beloved husband to asphalt the road during our time.
Manoling Morato: To buy Lotto tickets.
Miriam Defensor-Santiago: Why are we even having a talk about a stupid chicken? That chicken is dull, anserine, foolish, cretin, ignoramus, imbecile, simpleton, or otherwise known as stupid. Because it can’t engage in a colloquy with more intelligent chickens. I eat chicken feet for breakfast. HAHAHA! I actually love the chicken. I lied!
Kris Aquino: That chicken is getting on my nerves na. Kaka-inis! It’s blocking my SUV on the way to ABS. Na-angry tuloy si Josh. What’s the deal ba with you, chicken?
Juan Ponce-Enrile: To get refund from Meralco’s system loss.
Romulo Neri: Based on the current analytical tangent of my personal affinity, I don’t like a crowing chicken anymore. Bad for the economy.
Jun Lozada: To make friends with imported kambings.
John Osmeña: Eggs will roll.
Manny Pacquiao: The chicken did its best in boxing, este, crossing to serve as an inspiration to Filipino people. Thank you very much, chicken. Sa susunod na laban mo, pusta ako sayo.
Mike Enriquez: Para saksihan ang banggaan sa kabilang daan. Ang chicken ay walang kinikilingan, chismosong totoo lamang.
Piolo Pascual: Unless Kenny Rogers Roasters, I typically don’t like chicks.
Sam Milby: Gotta love strong eggs!
Bayani Fernando: The chicken is a jay-walker.
Mayor Tomas Osmeña: CITOM should do its job against crossing chickens in Lahug.
Gov. Gwen Garcia: To join the Chicken Festival.
Janina San Miguel: Well, I’m only 17 years old so I pity the chicken for crossing the road alone. Its pamily… its family… Oh my god… should be the most important persons in its life b’coz there was the wa- they’re, they was the one who’s… very… Hahahaha… who told the chicken that it is so confident. Mabuhay!
Leo Lastimosa: Kinahanglan naay accounting sa mga suga sa kadalanan nga gi-agian sa chicken.
Jejomar Binay: Para mag-rally!
Mar Roxas: To survey chicken prices in the market.
Manny Villar: I will provide utmost assistance should the chicken decide to go abroad.
Kiko Pangilinan: To watch Caregiver.
Sharon Cuneta: I love you Kiko! I love Chicken McDo, too.
Gabby Concepcion: To watch P.S. I Love You.
Cherie Gil: Sinira ng manok ang daan, binaboy niya. The chicken will never make it because it’s a fake chicken. The chicken is nothing but a second rate, trying hard, copycat! Ergo, the one crossing the road is either a pig or a cat.
Winston Garcia: We are cooking something together for Meralco. The chicken will check its E-Card as a government employee.
Juday: Dahil na-initan siya. Ang hindi natin alam ang chicken talaga ay isang yelo. Opo, isang yelong natutunaw, hindi natin nakikita, pero yelo talaga ang chicken.
Ate Vi: To watch Darna and the Giants, of course! Or Chicken, Chicken…Paano Ka Ginawa?
Ate Guy: Dahil walang himala. Nasa diyos ang awa, nasa manok ang tuka.
Ruffa Guttierez: Hay naku, we are not allowed to eat crossing chickens in Istanbul.
Annabelle Rama: Hay naku day, manood nalang yang pobreng manok na yan ng Monster Mom. Ibibili ko pa siya ng Andok’s noh.
Gretchen Baretto: To sing songs with me for Tonyboy. Tonyboy will put them in an album.
PGMA: To be good and working chicken. It’s hard enough to be a great chicken. Hello, Garci?
Virgilio “Garci” Garcillano: Hello, Ma’am. Nabilang na po ang lahat ng chicken sa Mindanao. Kahit yung hindi tumawid, pinatawid natin.
Maja Salvador: If the chicken joins showbiz, lahat magbabago. Kahit chicken shampoo niya magbago rin.
Vicki Belo: Para magpa-lipo. It has too much chicken skin.
FPJ: Dahil walang matigas na manok kinatay sa mainit na kawali.
Melanie Marquez (on the phone when asked about this): I coudn’t care a damn! Wait somebody’s over the line talking also… Hello? For a while. Please hang yourself. Hello, my brother Joey is out of town, would you like to wait? And why should I have a calling card? I’m not a call girl! So what’s your next question again before this?
GEORGE W. BUSH
We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring
greater services to the American people.
The chicken’s habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
I don’t know why the chicken crossed the road, but I’ll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I’ll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with
crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I’m talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer’s market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what they call it — the other side. Yes, my friends, that Chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.”
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I’ve not been told!
To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
It was a historical inevitability.
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook – and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
I missed one?
Political Comedy: Churchill Against Democracy
‘The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.’ –
Irony: Freedom of Speech, Freedom of Thought
‘People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.’ (Soren Kierkegaard, 1813 – 1855)
Wit of Oscar Wilde: Genius at Play
‘I have nothing to declare except my genius.’
Funny Words: President George Washington
‘Make the most of the Indian hemp seed, and sow it everywhere!’ (George Washington, note to his gardener at Mount Vernon, 1794)
Rational Man: Bertrand Russell Humor and Wit
‘It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this.’
Clever Humour: Bertrand Russell Thinking Quote
‘Many people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.’
Ronald Reagan Joke: Terror of Government
‘The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.’
Political Humor: Ronald Reagan on the Deficit
‘I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.’
Office Humor: Ronald Reagan on Hard Work
‘It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?’
Plato: Greek Humour Beer Quote
‘He was a wise man who invented beer.’
Physics Comedy: on Quantum Theory
‘At the moment physics is again terribly confused. …I wish I had been a movie comedian or something of the sort and had never heard of physics.’ (Wolfgang Pauli, on Quantum Theory)
Humor in Literature: George Orwell
‘Four legs good, two legs bad.’
Priceless humor: George Orwell Animals Humanity
‘All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.’
Humorous Nietzsche: Fallacy of Moral Religion
‘In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality at any point.’
Humor in Politics: Karl Marx on Business
‘Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity.’
Funny Quotes: Irony of Thought and Prejudice
‘A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.’
Albert Einstein Humorous Quote: Relativity
‘Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.’ (Albert Einstein, 1879 – 1955)
and my favorite of all:
Albert Einstein Funny Quote Infinite stupid Humans
‘Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.’ (Albert Einstein, 1879 – 1955)